Is My Child a Jerk?
by Melody Tan | 8 January 2025 |
Created more than 10 years ago, the subreddit abbreviated to AITA has some 23 million members at the time of writing. I won’t explain precisely what AITA stands for, due to its questionable language, but it could be paraphrased to say, “Am I The Jerk?”
The AITA premise sees members posting about their actions in a particular situation, supposedly from their personal lives. Others will respond, determining whether what they did was the right thing in the scenario or if they had behaved like … a jerk.
I have not contributed to the subreddit because I don’t fancy having strangers make judgement on my actions. However, I have often rehashed events with friends and asked the same question—the paraphrased version, of course. I’d like to think it’s to determine if I should do better, but let’s face it: it’s mostly because I’m seeking validation for my actions.
The reality is, while many of us may ask if we were the jerks in various situations, it can be rare for any of us to believe we had indeed behaved inappropriately. The other party would certainly beg to differ, and who the jerk is can often be a matter of perspective.
What I appreciate about this entire exercise, however, is its opportunity to self-reflect. Even though we have a tendency and bias towards the righteousness of our actions, there is a chance we may discover the errors of our ways and repent.
Things change, however, when we become parents. No, I’m not implying we fail to reflect on whether we are the jerk when it comes to parenting our children. Parental guilt is delivered at the precise moment when we have offspring, so much so we second guess every decision we make and regret every action we take. When it comes to our children, we are very much determined to get it right and will always wonder if we have been “jerks” to them.
I’m referring to our tendency and bias towards believing our children are never, ever able to do any wrong.
I once had a friend who had a toddler who was still learning to be gentle and respect boundaries. During playtime, the toddler was snatching toys out of another child’s hands and acting aggressively. Naturally, the other child started crying. My friend, the toddler’s mother, who had witnessed the entire situation, simply remarked, “Wow, that child is such a cry-baby. They need to learn to be tougher,” without correcting any of her own toddler’s behaviour.
That is just one of numerous examples I have seen of how parents excuse their children’s bad behaviour. I am also certain I have done the same on more than one occasion. In a sense, it’s not a bad thing. As parents, it’s our job to love our children unconditionally, accepting them for who they are and what they do. Our first duty is to them, and if they can’t rely on us for support, who can they turn to?
Yet, our duty as parents is also to ensure our children grow up to become responsible and respectful contributing members of society. That means teaching them the right things to do and correcting them, should they behave badly. The only way we can do that is to learn to self-reflect on our children’s actions more, and be open to question if they are, indeed, the jerks in certain situations.
There has been a stark increase in news reports of young people falling prey to bullies (particularly online, but not necessarily) over the past few months. Sadly, many of these young people have taken their own lives due to the relentless and cruel actions of their peers. Peers who are without a doubt, jerks in these situations.
In response, experts and media alike have produced and published anti-bullying tips so parents can protect their children. There has also been increased advocacy, calling on government, social media platforms, and schools to do more to curb bullying.
What seems to be curiously missing, however, is information on what parents should do if their children are the bullies. Or how parents can prevent children from becoming bullies in the first place. Don’t these parents have as much responsibility as those whose children are the victims? Or have we decided parents whose children are bullies are beyond being capable of self-reflecting and pulling their progeny in line?
Believing your child is the jerk is a difficult and delicate process. I know I struggle with it when confronted with my child’s conflict situations. Do I trust my child’s interpretation of the events? How much do I believe the other party’s version? Are there extenuating circumstances that called for my child to behave the way he did? If I “ruled” against my child’s point-of-view, in favour of the other person, am I breaking the sacred trust and bond I have with my son?
It’s not easy to know and see that your child has done the wrong thing and behaved like a jerk. It hurts you because you want to know that your child is a good person. It also challenges your relationship with them as you negotiate the nuances of why they shouldn’t behave the way they did (because many children have not fully developed the ability to see another’s point-of-view, they may struggle to understand your reaction).
However, it’s crucial that we as parents rise to the challenge. Although ultimately, we aren’t responsible for our children’s actions because they are their own people, we should still be held accountable for how we shape and mould them into the adults they eventually become.
Melody Tan is a freelance writer, content creator, and editor for both print and digital. She is currently the project leader of Mums At The Table, a multimedia initiative aimed at supporting mothers in their parenting journey, through education and community. She and her husband live in Sydney, Australia, with their son.
