Chasing Perfection
by Melody Tan | 10 April 2024 |
Early childcare is linked to better emotional and social outcomes for children than those who are looked after at home, a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health has found.
Before you put your keyboard warrior hats on to challenge my claims, let me calm you with this: A study published in the American Educational Research Journal has, on the contrary, found that more time spent in childcare will result in children’s having poorer social skills.
The reason I’m telling you this is not to start a debate on how old children should be when parents enroll them in childcare—if at all.* What I’m trying to illustrate is the impossible task parents have when it comes to “doing their best” for their children. Both the studies mentioned above had very similar objectives: To find out the impact of childcare on young children. However, they both have very different outcomes.
In a world where we are arguably more informed, parents are having to make incredibly difficult choices. We all want the best for our children, we want them to have the best start in life, and we want to give them the best opportunities that will result in the best outcomes.
Parents searching for “the best” has been one of the most common questions asked in the years I have worked with mums.
- What is the best baby carrier?
- What is the best brand of baby food?
- What is the best parenting style?
- What is the best age for my child to start school?
- What is the best school in the area?
- What is the best extracurricular activity that my child should sign up for?
- What is the best way to respond to my child’s [insert behavioral problem here]?
Our incredible love for our children drives us to want to give them the best of everything and to strive for perfection. It’s a noble ideal, but one that is also stressful, filled with guilt, and can make us feel lacking.
The struggle is real. I know it because I’ve been through—am living—it.
When I first learned I was pregnant, I approached my impending parenthood like the overachieving student that I was (am). I found the “best” parenting books, researched popular parenting advice and resolved to be the best parent to my child. The information I was led to had sound scientific evidence behind it. Researchers and experts supported the findings and the results seemed to speak for themselves.
Then my baby was born and everything pretty much fell apart. Trying my best felt like I was performing at my worst. I wasn’t getting the results the parenting experts promised.
My baby cried. My toddler threw tantrums. My pre-schooler had selective hearing. My primary schooler loves to complain about how unfair his life is. And when my child becomes a teenager, I’m fairly certain he’ll tell me he hates me at least once.
When it comes to parenting—and human behavior—none of us really have a clue. We have a pretty good idea of what’s preferred, but we don’t actually know what is the best or the best way to get there.
It’s why for every study that proves XYZ is the best, we can also find another study that says the exact opposite. (Except maybe studies investigating the impacts of smoking cigarettes in front of children. Those will possibly reveal it yields no benefits. Unless of course, it’s a study funded by Big Tobacco?)
Human beings are notoriously unpredictable; why should we expect anything less from research into human behavior? Research results aren’t very reliable either, so how can we expect to get a definitive answer on what’s best?
Let me be clear. I’m not arguing for parents to neglect or even harm their children. There is a bare minimum that I believe every parent should provide, whether it’s supported by research or not.
Striving to be better and ensuring our children get more than the bare minimum are all good things. Seeking perfection and ensuring what we have is “the best,” however, can leave a parent feeling deflated, exhausted, and dissatisfied.
To worry is to be a parent. We worry whether we’re permanently harming our children with our actions and decisions. We worry whether we’ve given our children enough to be safe physically, socially, and mentally. We worry whether we’ve provided them with the right skills and opportunities to be happy in life.
But let’s not allow the worry to debilitate us to the point we either regret our decisions because they didn’t turn out to be “the best” or fail to make one because we simply can’t find “the best.”
There’s a term in parenting circles called “good enough parenting” and I love what it advocates. It’s a notion proposed by Donald Winnicott, a pioneering perinatal psychotherapist, where we set out to be good enough parents, not perfect or best ones. It’s echoed by parenting educator Gen Muir, who says, for all the advice and strategies, parents should aim to get it right around 30 per cent of the time. Now that’s setting the bar low—and attainable.
So ditch the feverish research into what is best for our children and instead adopt an attitude of what works for your family. What we need to do is simply provide our children with a safe, loving, and nurturing environment. Certainly strive to be better, but don’t worry about being the best. And for everything else, it’s time to trust that God will make our paths—and that of our children—straight.
* If you’re wondering where I stand on the childcare debate, it’s on the side of “whatever suits your family.” Some parents have to utilize childcare services from when their babies are just a few months old because of a variety of reasons. That’s okay. Some parents choose to keep their children home and even homeschool them right up to high-school age because that’s what they want for their child. That’s okay too.
Melody Tan is a freelance writer, content creator, and editor for both print and digital. She is currently the project leader of Mums At The Table, a multimedia initiative aimed at supporting mothers in their parenting journey, through education and community. She and her husband live in Sydney, Australia, with their seven-year-old son.
