Aunty, my libido is gone. Should I use marital aids?
28 June 2021 |
Dear Aunt Sevvy,
With menopause and cancer treatment, my libido has reached the non-existent stage. I’m embarrassed to ask, Aunty, but are so-called “marital aids” (sex toys) such as a vibrator acceptable for getting back those urges?
Signed, Missing it a lot
Dear Missing it,
Aunty is so sorry to hear about your cancer, and she knows personally the concerns surrounding menopause. Your embarrassment about asking the question is understandable: we are a conservative group where for a long time sex has been regarded with shame, something never to be talked about even between the participants! Add to that our sexually charged culture where sex is often used in hurtful ways. (Aunty finds heartbreaking the number of young women around the world forced into prostitution or pornography.) No wonder many think of sex as “dirty”!
But let’s remember that sex is God’s creation: it was the very first blessing given to the first couple on the first Friday night! It is a good gift of God that evil has subverted. Aunt Sevvy once heard it said that Christians, because of their strong belief in happy, healthy relationships, should have the best sex. She believes God wants you to experience the joy and intimacy of sex with your significant other.
But now you are struggling because of health factors outside of your control. Perhaps you could think of it this way: when someone has a condition that impairs their ability to function at their best, they can get things that will help: a brace for carpal tunnel wrist pain, medication for migraine headaches, hearing aids. Marital aids can function like, say, glasses, or like a helpful medication. Why should a loving couple suffer when there are simple and affordable products available that can help them?
Many women, studies say, enjoy sex less than men: men reach orgasm at a much higher rate than women. Marital aids can help with this. Some men may feel that a woman should only be enjoying herself as a result of whatever he is doing. If you are such a man, ask yourself why she should enjoy the experience less than you do?
Christians have long had discomfort with anything we perceive as “unnatural” sex. Stories tell of missionaries who thought the way the natives had sex was too close to how animals did it, so they prescribed to their converts what they considered the “Christian” way to have sex: hence, the “missionary position.”
But does the Bible say there is only one right way to have sex? Is there any moral issue here between loving couples? Aunty asserts that the “right” way to have sex is the way that both partners enjoy it.
An interesting bit of trivia: vibrators were invented by old-timey doctors who thought they were “curing” women of “hysteria” by making them climax. Doctors complained that their hands were getting tired, so a doctor invented the vibrator (one of the first ones literally steam-powered!) to make the job easier.
Fortunately, you no longer have to go to a doctor for this—though it is never a bad idea to consult your gynecologist. Nowadays you don’t even need to go to a seamy sex shop for marital aids: everything you need can be purchased privately and on line.
So set aside your shame, and do what you need to do to enjoy sex as God intended you to. What happens in your bedroom stays in your bedroom.
You can write to Aunt Sevvy at DearAuntSevvy@gmail.com. Please keep questions or comments short. What you send us at this address won’t necessarily be, but could be, published—always without identification of the writer. Aunt Sevvy writes her own column, and her opinions are not necessarily those of Adventist Today’s editors.