SATIRE: Adventist MAGA Fan Delighted to Witness Second Coming
Local Adventist and fervent Trump supporter Walter “End Times” Johnson disrupted his local election night prayer vigil by declaring that the Second Coming had finally arrived during Trump’s victory speech.
“The prophecies are fulfilled! The chosen one has returned to bring judgment upon the wicked!” proclaimed Johnson, who had replaced the church’s traditional prophecy charts with Trump’s electoral map overlaid with scenes from Daniel 2. “Though I admit, I expected more angels and fewer FOX exit polls.”
Despite his pastor’s gentle reminder that this might not be the exact Second Advent they’ve been preaching about, Johnson remained adamant. He’s already annotated his Great Controversy with Trump’s tweets and started a YouTube channel connecting Q-drops to Ellen White quotes.
“Just look at the signs – global economic chaos, wars and rumors of wars, and now the triumphant return of the king!” Johnson declared while passing out “Make Adventism Great Again” bumper stickers. “Sure, he came from Mar-a-Lago instead of the clouds of heaven, but who are we to question divine methods?”
“I just don’t understand why everyone keeps quoting Matthew 24,” Johnson muttered while updating his ‘Truth Social’ profile. “Clearly, ‘every eye shall see him’ was about social media engagement metrics.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
