SATIRE: GC Introduces “Theological Freeze-Drying” to Preserve Traditional Beliefs
In a bold move to combat what some see as the erosion of traditional Adventist theology, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists (GC) has unveiled its latest initiative: Theological Freeze-Drying.
“We’ve noticed that some of our cherished beliefs have been thawing out in the heat of modern cultural pressures,” explained Elder Rigid Dogma, newly appointed Director of Doctrinal Preservation. “This innovative process will ensure our theological positions remain as fresh and unchanging as the day they were formulated.”
The freeze-drying process, adapted from food preservation technology, involves reducing doctrinal statements to their most basic elements and then removing all moisture – including any hints of nuance or contextual understanding.
“Just add a splash of proof-texting, and these beliefs spring back to life, exactly as they were intended,” Dogma enthused. “It’s like opening a time capsule from 1863!”
Critics argue that this approach might leave Adventist theology brittle and unpalatable to younger generations. However, supporters of the initiative remain unfazed.
“Sure, some may find our freeze-dried theology a bit hard to swallow,” admitted Elder Ima Luddite, “but that’s the beauty of it. If it were easy to digest, people might start thinking for themselves, and where would that leave us?”
The first batch of freeze-dried doctrines is set to be unveiled at the next Annual Council, where delegates will be invited to sample rehydrated versions of classic Adventist teachings. Flavors will include “Original Sin-Free,” “Extra Crunchy Remnant,” and “Investigative Judgment Jerky.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
