What She Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Her
by Don Watson
She was working 10 to 12 hours a day as an ER doctor. Her friends saw her tirelessly giving herself to care for a constant stream of battered and broken people who poured into the hospital desperate for help. Elaine was good, extremely good at what she did, but she had a dark side as well. After work she would change clothes and stalk the bars and downtown dives searching for the man who had raped her sister – an action that left her sister so broken and demoralized that she had finally taken her own life. She was obsessed with revenge. Whatever it took, no matter what the cost to herself, she would hunt down this animal and destroy him. Someone, however, hired an investigator who interrupted her plan at its gut-wrenching, dramatic conclusion. She had caught the rapist and he was cowering at gunpoint. "Please, don't do this!" The investigator pled. "You're a good person, but this will destroy you."
"But why shouldn't I?" She replied, “I’ve lived for this moment. I don't care what happens to me. But this man doesn't deserve to live, and I will never have rest until I get revenge."
"But the people you help. I've seen them in the ER. And you, you are really good at what you do. You really care for those people. So many people will suffer if you do this."
"But no one has to know, unless you're going to tell."
"No, I'll never tell, but that doesn't matter. You kill this man and it will destroy you. You're never the same afterwards. Believe me, I know. It destroys a good part of you that can never be replaced."
Our illustration from the TV Show, A Person Of Interest reminds us that sin isn't something that God just disapproves of – one of His "pet rules" so important to Him that He'll punish you if you break it. It has within itself the seeds of hurt and destruction. The laws God gives us merely exist to help us identify those things that would hurt us. Sin has never been about God or His "precious laws." It is about us. WE are the apple of His eye. Like a parent who sees his toddler with a razorblade, God only desires we not hurt ourselves.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery" is not God simply deciding that people should not have the variety and fun of multiple sex partners. It is a violation of the way He made us – to have someone who loves us exclusively. To obey that command is to believe that God has created us for an intimacy with one person that will never be reached if we dilute it with others. In fact, others will adulterate what God intended we enjoy. We rob ourselves of the fullness of who He created us to be.
The phrase has been used by many of us, "Well, what she doesn't know won't hurt her." But it does. Like the feisty old man who didn't want anyone telling him what to do, we think we're getting away with something by pretending to take our blood pressure medicine, and we don't realizing that whenever we violate the laws of our physical well-being it hurts us and those that love us whether anyone finds out about it or not. Adultery and every other violation of God's commands literally hurts us and our partner whether anyone finds out about it or not. It destroys nakedness, closeness, tenderness, authenticity, and vulnerability.
I am sure there are people walking around in this world who have murdered someone and no one has found them out, and they think they have gotten away with it, but every sin has its own punishment. The guilt, the lack of trust, the love for others around us is damaged, beyond repair. "The wages of sin is death" – Romans 6:23. – is not just a Bible text, it is a revelation of why God hates sin. Sin kills, sin destroys. And none of us are so clever as to "get away with it" unscathed.
I am sure there are those of you reading this today that are doing things or have done things that are hurting you as we speak. Like a wound covered over by time, it still festers and is hurting you even though you think it has healed. No one but God and you may know about it and you may still be thinking that someone gets hurt only if they find out. Until you expose the wound to the breath of life it will never heal and it will never get better and you will keep hurting the people around you, but worse than that, God knows you are destroying yourself – your value, your intimacy with others, your trust, you ability to love unconditionally. God wants your complete healing. 1 John 1:7 has the perfect antidote and healing formula, "If we walk in the light like He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin."
If you conceal your cancer and refuse to trust the doctor with it, it will kill you. If you cherish your sin and refuse to trust Jesus with it, it will destroy you just as surely as a cancer will. But Jesus knows it anyway; He just needs your permission to heal you of it. Like a knife cutting out your cancer, it may be painful indeed, but afterwards you will heal.
I love our little story at the beginning. Someone saw the value of another person. They saw that this horrible thing that they were about to do would hurt them, even if no one ever found out. And they cared enough to confront them with their value. When we realize that sin hurts us, adulterates our value and is destructive, it will begin to lose its power over us. "For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation."
Hi Don,
I have drifted past your blog several times since you put it up. Each time I have read it with interest. You make some good points.
I have been hesitating on making any comment because, like with my comments on some other threads, expressing one or two points of differing perspective can so easily be taken as rejection of all points. I also risk attracting a bunch of flack from those who feel truth may need defending.
Having said all that:) I have read your blog many times because there is something about it I find deeply unsettling. Much of it I don't yet feel I can explain with clarity, but I think one or two points of what it is have gelled.
For many years now, even before I changed my views on certain things about the Bible, I have held a different view on forgiveness. I do not find anywhere in Scripture a clearly defendable doctrine of either (to a lesser degree) unconditional love or (to a greater degree) unconditional forgiveness. At the very least this really complicates the issue of revenge, which seems to be a key issue within the movie you describe.
One line of your blog is loaded with potential to perhaps point to a different way to understand the dynamics and issues associated with concepts of revenge, forgiveness, reconciliation etc. Here it is:
"…whenever we violate the laws of our physical well-being it hurts us …".
I think one of the things that is deeply unsettling is the possiblity that when we describe these things from the "perspective" of "sin", we can compromise the weight of the point that line makes. I wonder that by doing so, we may at times make the outcomes of actions which "violate the laws of our physical well being" worse than they would be if viewed in the more pragmatic manner?
The concept of "sin" we Christians often present seems to inordinately ramp up the sense of guilt associated with mistakes individuals may make or have made. I wonder that to the degree we do this we may actaully make it more difficult for individuals to have a sense of wellbeing within themselves and in their relationships with others. I know you speak of bringing these to "the breath of life", but even if this is the ultimate "solution", so many people seem to inhabit a middle ground where this never fully happens. It makes one wonder if the solution is in fact too far removed from the "laws of our physical being" to fully and reliably resolve internal tensions etc.
Anyway, just a few thoughts triggered by your blog. As I say, some thoughts it provokes are yet to reach a point where they can be concisely spelled out.
Cheers
Aloha Don
Your post was refreshing to read and we serve a loving God that wants the best for us. His law is His character and is put there out of love and protection as any good father would do for his children.
I have the impression that what we do changes us. When we pray, the consequence is mostly a change in us, rather than a request to be magically granted. When we are untrue to others by cheating or being dishonest with them, we damage ourselves. Remorse for some such actions seems like a normal and natural response. To add on some sort of immobilizing guilt seems inappropriate–especially for those who claim to believe in forgiveness and who are willing to recognize errors and make restitution.
Hi Joe, I totally agree with all you said, and said so well. The Pharisees said it well, "Who can forgive sins but God?" When we trust God with our sins, He has not already forgiven us legally, but is so willing to cause us to know we are forgiven in our heads, and to let us know that whatever hurt we have caused to ourselves or others He, the omnipotent God, has the power and wisdom to change or heal it. All that we need to move on, He can provide. Sometimes, I have felt that the thing I have done has forever damaged some relationhsip beyond repair, but God has shown me that my biggest screwups are no match for His healing love. Thanks again Joe, for your wonderful reminder. don.
Dear cb25,
I was intrigued by your post and have been thinking about it off and on for a number of days (Sorry for the delay in answering ) I feel you certainly nailed one of the most important aspects of what I believe the gospel to be about – Sin is something that hurts us rather than makes us wicked or bad. It's like God sees each us as He designed us from before the foundation of the world – without sin. And then he sees sin and sins like a cancer that has entertwined its deadly tendrils around every cell and fiber of our being. His plan is to separate us and the sin that is hurting and killing us, so He can save us and destroy the sin.
In that vein I wanted to reference one of your statements: "I do not find anywhere in Scripture a clearly defendable doctrine of either (to a lesser degree) unconditional love or (to a greater degree) unconditional forgiveness." This discovery, whether I am right in my understanding of these scriptures or not, is what brought me to Jesus in a real, non-religious relationship and changed my life in the process. the scriptures I refer to is: 1. Romans 5:9 says I WAS justified (made right, forgiven) by the death or blood of Jesus. Verse 10 says I WAS reconciled to God by the death of Jesus – I personally don't believe that could be true if I was still unforgiven and under God's condemnation. Also Romans 5:6-8 says 6 "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. [Christ'd death is the price that paid for us, saved us, and He bought us WHILE we're powerless – unable to come to Him – and ungodly.] 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." [Again Paul repeats the fact that sinners are saved AS SINNERS. Salvation or forgiveness is not reserved for only those who have reformed, repented, or confessed. In fact in this last little passage, Paul contrasts God's unconditional love from our love in that we would rarely die for even a "righteous" man [Which, of course, does not exist] but Jesus died for us WHILE we were sinners. BECAUSE, I believe, He knows that as long as we feel condemned, we would never come. And if we never come, God does not have our permission to "clease us from all unrighteousness." The cross is so central to the gospel because the cross reconciles us back to God – who alone can save us from sin. In other words, God first saves us from death , so He can save us from sin.
I hope I have not confused you even more, or wasted your time trying to answer something you weren't questioning. Your search is such a good one. We're really all on the same search. Thanks for allowing me to walk alongside of you for a moment. If you would like to persue further dialogue apart from the website, feel free to contact me at don.watson2009@comcast.net
Blessings, Don
Hi Don,
Thanks for your reply. I've been away for a week so slack getting back. (my Dad had a stroke, from which is slowly recovering – so flew interstate)
My point about unconditional love and forgiveness related to two levels, but perhaps primarily the second.
The first was, as you note between God and man. Even in this area and within the examples you give, I see the "reconciliation" or "forgiveness" extended to man as conditional on an action: Jesus' Death. Depending on interpretations thereafter, one could also submit that ultimately forgiveness is contingent upon it being accepted by the individual.
My focus was also very much on the level of personal relationships. Hence my term "the dynamics and issues associated with concepts of revenge, forgiveness, reconciliation". ie on a human level."
One of the key points I was making, and I think which Joe also was making, is that the effects of bad choices we make in our dealings with one another have a "natural" cause and effect result. I see this as almost totally removed from things we call "sin", and dynamics between us and God.
Perhaps a very basic illustration will illustrate this. A few years ago we dropped out dog into a boarding kennel for a stay while we travelled Tasmania. He was already suffering from an eye infection (difference of opinion with out cat), and in my rush to leave I failed to explain to him what was going on. Within a week his infection was out of control, he was failing to eat, he was suffering sores and other serious problems. A friend had to go and "rescue" him from his downhill slide. What happened? The events he found himself in had a dramatic and physical effect on him. It violated the "laws" of his physical wellbeing as a dog.
My point is that how we humans behave personally and relationally effects us physically. For good, or for bad. If we violate the laws of our physical being – it does damage. It has little or nothing to do with sin or God necessarily. And, on that score I was suggesting that neither do the solutions to any damage we experience.
Thus, when I suggest there is no such thing as unconditional forgiveness, especially on the human – human level, I am saying just that.
I sometimes think the theology of "unconditional forgiveness" makes us Christians the worst offenders in being able to say "I am sorry". Too many find it much easier to go to God and confess, and walk away from any responsibility they may have to really deal with the effects of actions.
Even Jesus' can be argued as not believing in unconditional forgiveness. eg "if you are offering your gift at the alter and remember your brother has something against you…go and FIRST be reconciled to him… That does not sound unconditional to me. (of course the Lords prayer has "…forgive as we have forgiven..but how does God forgive ultimately? – When we say sorry. Action is required. The as can be read "in the same manner")
As Joe noted, we should be "…willing to recognize errors and make restitution". And I think that is it. We find it too easy to call things "sin" and load people down with guilt when much of it is "natural" cause and effect because of what we are, just as it was for my dog. Broken relationships, mistakes etc should be dealt with on the same level on which they occur, not palmed of to God where the "outcome" can lead to either avoidance of real responsibility or unresolved guilt because of the very abstract nature of such "forgiveness". It is very hard to translate into reality sometimes.
I guess what I have said here will perhaps make my position more divergent from yours than you at first thought. Hopefully there can be some grains of value in it even so.
Cheers
Sorry about the few typos in that. Also, when I say Christians are the worst offenders at being able to say sorry. I really meant being "unable" to say sorry. eg not doing it.
I perhaps also should/could give an example of my own experience with forgiveness as seen from my perspective on it.
There are times I have been wronged by people. Some of these events have impacted my life dramatically. In one or two of the worst instances the parties have never come to me to seek reconciliation or offer any apology. Do they see their actions as wronging me? I would say yes. Are they forgiven by me? No. They have not asked for it.
Now the critical part of that is this: That is not my problem. I do not seek revenge, or let myself get bitter about it. If I do, the very same natural laws will determine that doing so will have a negative effect on me. Why should I let them continue to damage my life?
Perhaps those people have subscribed to what I see as this fanciful theology of undonditional forgiveness and have knelt by their bed and told God they were sorry. Offering over and over their gift without being reconciled I guess. If it makes them feel better – good, but perhaps they struggle with a sense of ongoing "guilt" because in reality has it been addressed? Can reconciliation really take place like that?
Whatever the case. It is no longer my problem. The forgiveness is in my hand and heart awaiting their visit! Otherwise it is all history.
So, I can do what Jesus said to do after you have taken a brother with you, or two or three, or the church: Treat them as a pagan or tax collector. (matt 18) I'll leave others to tell me how Jesus treated pagans and tax collectors:)
I hope this is not too way off the theme of your blog. Fogive me if it is:)
Dear cb25
I believe the scriptures seem to reference two kinds of forgiveness. God's unconditional forgiveness that saves us from death and gives us eternal life found in Romans 5:9 and Eph. 1:7. He died FOR us, paid the price required by sin – death. This death reconciles us to God (Romans 5:10, 2 Cor 5:18-19). It is this unconditional forgiveness that the Holy Spirit uses to draw us to Christ. Paul said this "Goodness of God brings us to repentance" (Romans 2:1-4) In other words to turn around, change the direction we are headed and come to God. We would never be drawn to someone who condemned us. In his famous book, My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers says that we are "Condemned to salvation" but not to discipleships. And on so many levels that makes sense: When Adam fell, we became sinners condemnted to die through no fault of our own – death was genetically forced upon us. We didn't choose it. We can't decide on our 18th birthday, "Hey I think I'll quit sinner so I can go th heaven." But then, Jesus comes along, dies FOR us, saves us, forgives us, and gives us back our life (Romans 5:12-19) through no choice of our own – because as Romans 5:6 says, "While we were powerless. . ." (We couldn't even choose!) Now, because of what Jesus did FOR us, we have our choice back, we are saved, and rdconciled but now we can choose to REJECT it! This is the unconditional forgiveness that God gives us. It's from HIS side – there is no condemnation – from HIS side of the relationship.
But I believe the bible also talks about a 2nd kind of forgivenss. Forgiveness that we experience – between us and God and between us and others. It's one thing to be forgiven legally and in the heart of God, but it is quite another thing to KNOW we are forgiven – to actually experience the forgivenss of God or some human being. I believe God, via the Holy Spirit, reveals to men the Gospel – the Good News that they ARE saved, in order to draw them into relationship. I believe THAT is what salvation is all about – reconciliation – not merely saying some magic words that become our ticket to heaven, but God lost us in the Garden of Eden, and He truly got us back at Calvary. God wants us to believe something that is ALREADY true – and that belief or faith gives us peace. "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. God doesn't want us to be merely saved legally (Justified by His Blood – Vs. 9), but He wants us to KNOW it, and embrace it so we have peace with God. So our action of belief doesn't make this true – it IS true and God calls us to believe it – THAT'S the way we experience it.
Same way with forgiveness, we are already forgiven at Calvary (Eph 1:7), but God wants us to KNOW we are forgiven up in our heads – experience it. Sin produces guilt and shame. It produces separation in our minds from God and others. Confession is the way we give God permission to "cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9) and "experience" forgiveness in our conscience – remove all the guilt and shame. This is definitely conditional. While God gives us back what we lost in Eden, He will not force us to keep it.
In the hypothetical senario you shared with me, I believe you mirrored the unconditional love and forgiveness of God, but until the person who wronged you comes and asks for that forgivenss they will not EXPERIENCE your forgiveness. God wants us to experience forgiveness as well as HAVE it.
In my experience this has been so important, because in the midst of my sin, I finally know that my only hope is in a relationship with Jesus who modeled the unconditional love of the Father. This has been for me the "Power of God unto salvation." Romans 1:17.
It may be more difficult to forgive ourselves when we have done wrong to another person.
There are those individuals who never cease asking forgiveness for some slight many years ago.
We can forgive, in our hearts, someone who has wronged us, but there can never be complete closure until the person instigating the wrong recognizes it and asks for forgiveness. Forgiveness takes two parts: the asker and the receiver to be complete. Those who fail to ask forgiveness are the ones who continue to carry the guilt.
Elaine, I really agree with the "two parts" aspect to forgiveness. When one forgives and one accepts that forgiveness, both parties experience all that forgiveness was intended to provide. Soemtimes the forgiveness process is thwarted, however, when we believe that someone must first ask before forgiveness can take place. Asking almost becomes a requirement or payment that earns forgiveness. Our forgiveness becomes measured and doled out only to the worthy – those who ask. The actual word, "forgiveness" seems to have within it the meaning that God intended. We "Fore" give. We give the offense to the offending party even before the offense. Over and over again we see that was what Jesus did and that "goodness" drew people estranged from God into relationship which is what God wants. (See Romans 2:1-4) When we forgive people before they ask or even if they never ask, we draw them back into relationship. And keeping score is not nearly so important as keep relationships. Now would the offending party be better off if they would ask? – Absolutely! But often times our forgiveness causes the asking or the apology. All this, helps me to realize that is why God pays our penalty, absorbs our guilt, and forgives us before we ask and that has caused reconciliation to take place (See Romans 5:10 and 2 Cor 5:18-19) Our forgiveness at the cross is the foundation and catalyst of all else that takes place – it is the finger that topples the first dominoe. Blessings, don.