SATIRE: Trump Pulls U.S. Out of General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold and unexpected executive order signed this morning, President Donald Trump announced that the United States is officially withdrawing from the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists (GC), ending a relationship that has spanned over a century. “We’re done with this GC thing, folks, believe me,” Trump declared from the White House lawn, waving a copy of The Great Controversy for emphasis. “America’s been sending tithe dollars to Silver Spring for years—millions and millions—and what do we get? Vegetarian recipes and arguments about drums in church. It’s a bad deal. Terrible deal.”
The move sent shockwaves through Adventist circles, with church leaders scrambling to respond. “We’re not sure what this means for book distribution funding or GC session,” said a visibly flustered Ted Wilson, General Conference president, reflexively reaching for a carob treat. Trump, meanwhile, accused other nations of freeloading on America’s Sabbath School contributions. “China’s not paying their fair share for those little quarterlies. Neither is Europe. They’re laughing at us while they eat haystacks on our dime!”
The president went on to blast the GC for what he called “unfair religious trade practices,” claiming the U.S. has been “ripped off” by endless debates over women’s ordination and the 28 Fundamental Beliefs. “I told them, I said, ‘You’ve got 28 beliefs? That’s too many. I could do it in five. Maybe three. Love God, eat kale, be tremendous. Done.’” At press time, Trump was reportedly drafting plans to replace Adventist campgrounds with “luxury prophecy seminar resorts” and promised to bring “the best Daniel and Revelation charts” back to American shores. “No more outsourcing our eschatology, folks. It’s gonna be huge.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
