LOS ANGELES, California — In a bid to counter what it calls the “superficial filth machine” that is Hollywood, the Southern California Conference (SCC) has opened the first “angel-friendly” movie theater in the denomination.
“We have re-purposed the plot where Hollywood Seventh-day Adventist Church used to sit to build a movie theater that we know in our hearts angels are 100% OK with,” said SCC President Pastor Glen Dale.
Set to open in July, the theater has been specifically designed to avoid the aspects of theatergoing that have long been critiqued by Adventists: Instead of dark corners, the theater will feature cafeteria lighting and widely-spaced wooden chairs with aggressively stiff chair backs that encourage focus and alertness.
“We have been very intentional about creating a clean environment where no funny business could ever take place,” said Caviness, “In fact, if this theater delivers as intended, nothing funny will transpire on these premises.”
“The new theater will double as a health food ministry,” said conference Health Director Mary Sanderford. “The concession area will feature fresh celery sticks, beet shakes, and creatively edible tofu creations.”
Creative director Max Stoder says that the theater will feature uplifting standards such as The Sound of Music and VeggieTales, as well as what he calls “a dynamic mix of stimulating and doctrinally appropriate PowerPoints.”
“This is perfect for date night,” said Dale. “I mean, who could say no to dinner and a State of the Dead PowerPoint?”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.