SATIRE: Singles Ministry Launches Missionary Dating Recovery Support Group
The North American Division Singles Ministry has announced the launch of a groundbreaking support group aimed at helping Adventists recover from their missionary dating experiences.
The program, dubbed “Flirt to Convert No More,” meets weekly in church fellowship halls across the country, where participants share their stories of attempting to evangelize through romance.
“I thought I could get him to come to church if I just mentioned Ellen White casually enough times during our dates,” confessed Sarah Thompson, a regular attendee. “Three months later, he was still eating meat and I was the one questioning whether the Sabbath starts at sunset or sunrise.”
Program director Pastor Jim Reynolds says the 12-step recovery process includes crucial stages such as “Accepting That Your Dating Pool Is Smaller than a Foot-Washing Basin” and “Understanding That Marriage Is Not an Evangelistic Method.”
The support group features intensive workshops addressing common scenarios. Participants learn to spot reverse missionary daters attempting to convert them to Sunday-keeping. They practice responding to dates who claim they’ll attend church but only show up on potluck Sabbaths. Special sessions help members deal with well-meaning family members who keep referring to their dating life as a “ministry opportunity.”
“We’ve seen tremendous success,” reports Reynolds. “Last month, three of our members actually turned down dates with charming non-Adventists, even though they played guitar and had great hair.”
The ministry plans to expand the program to include a special track for those who attempted to convert their dates through sharing Doug Batchelor YouTube videos.
The program will soon offer specialized courses including “Converting Your Ex Back to Adventism After They Leave,” “Help! They Joined Another Denomination’s Youth Group,” and the highly anticipated “When They Choose Sunday Church Because the Music Is Better.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
