SATIRE: Pastor Convinced Every Transfer Request Is His Fault
Pastor Gerald Meyers of the Pleasant Valley Seventh-day Adventist Church has been harboring a deep, dark secret: he’s absolutely certain that every membership transfer request is a direct result of his pastoral shortcomings.
The Revelation
The truth came to light when church secretary Martha Wilkins noticed Pastor Meyers conducting detailed sermon autopsies after each transfer request. “I found him rewatching his sermon on Daniel 2 fourteen times after the Henderson family requested a transfer letter,” Wilkins reported. “They moved because Mr. Henderson got promoted to a hospital in Texas, but Pastor Meyers is convinced it was because he stumbled over pronouncing ‘Nebuchadnezzar.’”
A Pattern Emerges
Church head elder James Patterson became concerned after discovering Pastor Meyers’ personal prayer journal, which contained entries like “Lord, forgive me for making Sister Johnson move to Florida with my subpar potluck blessing” and “Dear Jesus, if my closing prayer was shorter last week, would Brother Thompson have declined that mission post in Thailand?”
Desperate Measures
In recent weeks, Pastor Meyers has implemented what he calls “Operation Retention,” which includes extending his sermon length by 45 minutes to “really drive the points home,” personally taste-testing all potluck dishes before service, and installing a state-of-the-art air conditioning system he controls from his phone during sermons.
Conference Intervention
The local conference president was alerted to the situation when Pastor Meyers submitted a 47-page proposal to relocate all major employers within a 10-mile radius of the church. “We tried explaining that Sister Rodriguez’s transfer to the Berrien Springs church was because her daughter enrolled at Andrews University,” stated Conference President Matthews, “but he just kept muttering something about his sermon on education being too convicting.”
Professional Help
The conference has now mandated Pastor Meyers attend a support group called “It’s Not You, It’s Them: Understanding Member Migration Patterns.” However, after the first session, he became convinced that two pastors from other churches requested transfers because his testimonial was “too self-centered.”
Meanwhile, Pastor Meyers’ wife reports finding him late at night studying real estate trends and whispering, “If only I had made more hospital visits” while reading about a member’s move to be closer to their grandchildren.
When reached for comment, Pastor Meyers would only say, “I just hope this article doesn’t make anyone want to transfer churches,” before rushing off to research how many members have recently updated their LinkedIn profiles.
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This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
