In a dramatic turn of events at the Collegedale Corners Adventist Church, local member Brad Thompson claims he can physically feel his name being removed from the Book of Life after accidentally consuming a meat-based spring roll at Friday night vespers.

“I knew something was wrong the moment I bit into it,” Thompson reported, while frantically searching for his well-worn copy of Counsels on Diet and Foods. “The spring roll tasted suspiciously flavorful, and that’s when I realized – this wasn’t the usual Linda Loma brand.”

The incident occurred during the church’s “Welcome Sabbath” fellowship dinner, where Thompson, a fourth-generation vegetarian, unwittingly consumed what turned out to be a non-vegetarian appetizer brought by a well-meaning visitor.

Divine Documentation Distress

“First, my right hand started tingling, then my left ear began to itch, and now I can literally feel celestial white-out being applied to my name,” Thompson explained, while doing jumping jacks in an attempt to “work the meat out of his system” before sunset. “I’ve already called the conference president’s emergency hotline and scheduled an appointment with my pastor for tomorrow morning.”

Emergency Interventions

Church potluck coordinator Martha Wilson has implemented immediate corrective measures, including a new “Ingredient Investigation Task Force” and mandatory food labeling system using red warning stickers for any dishes containing even trace amounts of meat.

“We’re also installing metal detectors that can sense meat products,” Wilson announced. “And we’re requiring all visitors to sign a legally binding document promising to bring only Worthington or MorningStar products to future events.”

Spiritual Recovery Plan

Thompson has developed a comprehensive spiritual recovery protocol, which includes reading three extra chapters of The Ministry of Healing, drinking twice his body weight in carrot juice, and promising to attend every single potluck planning committee meeting for the next year.

“I’m also considering starting a support group called ‘Accidental Carnivores Anonymous’ for other Adventists who’ve experienced similar trauma,” Thompson added, while clutching his well-worn copy of “The Benefits of Vegetarianism” tract.

The church board has scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss the possibility of implementing a new “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy regarding accidental meat consumption, though several members have expressed concern that such a policy might be too liberal.

As of press time, Thompson was last seen in the church kitchen, stress-eating his way through an entire case of Big Franks while reciting memory verses about Daniel’s diet.