Sawtooth, Tennessee – Conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed health message expert Soy Lent claims to have uncovered a secret plot by the Illuminati to undermine the Adventist health message through the creation and mass distribution of Oreos.

“Wake up, sheeple!” exclaimed Lent during a 3-hour YouTube livestream from his mother’s basement. “The Illuminati are using Oreos to secretly indoctrinate the masses with their Satanic agenda and lure unsuspecting Adventists away from the straight and narrow path of veganism and flavor-free living!”

Lent’s “irrefutable evidence” includes the circular shape of the cookie, which he claims represents the Illuminati’s goal of world domination, and the cookie’s cream filling, which he believes is a symbolic mockery of the purity of the Adventist diet. “And don’t even get me started on the hidden Masonic symbols in the cookie’s design,” ranted Lent, zooming in on a blurry photo of an Oreo. “The Knights Templar cross, the all-seeing eye, the Mark of the Beast – it’s all there, plain as day!”

Lent alleges that Nabisco, the company behind Oreos, is a front for the Illuminati’s sinister machinations. “They’re not just selling cookies, they’re selling out humanity’s health and spiritual well-being for profit!” he fumed, taking an angry bite of a carob-kale cookie.

Adventists around the world are grappling with the shocking implications of Lent’s revelations, with some swearing off Oreos forever and others defiantly baptizing the cookies in almond milk to counteract the purported Illuminati agenda.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

To comment, click here.