SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference (GC) officials were both alarmed and genuinely annoyed this morning to hear a loud clapping sound coming from rocks around the huge building housing the Seventh-day Adventist world headquarters. “It seemed as though wherever two or more rocks were gathered, there was a really loud clapping sound,” said GC Director of Pointless Regulation Tais Toi. “I was seriously spooked.”

Toi said that strange as the sound was coming from lifeless rocks, the timing of the raucous applause was stranger still. The clapping sounds coincided with the culmination of a five-year study on the hotly debated issue of applause in Adventist churches.

At the exact moment that a roar of sanctimonious “Hallelujahs” greeted the news that delegates flown in from all corners of the world had voted to ban clapping in churches, assorted Silver Spring rocks erupted in their own applause.

“As big believers in literal interpretation of scripture whenever convenient, my colleagues and I are not at all shocked that inanimate rocks have the ability to express themselves,” said Toi. “But we’re baffled as to why they can’t restrict themselves to a hearty ‘Amen.’ It almost felt like they were protesting something.”

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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