Personal Testimony about Death, Cancer and Life
by Monte Sahlin
January 22, 2014
“We haven’t read anything by you recently,” a friend e-mailed me a couple of weeks ago. There is a simple reason. The last year has easily been the worst of my entire life and it has been painful labor for me to write this piece. Hopefully it is not my last.
My wife, Norma, died October 9 and her funeral was the day before our 39th wedding anniversary. It did not come as a shock. She had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer more than a year earlier and by the spring of last year our two daughters had told me privately, “Dad, Mom is not going to survive this.”
I could not come to terms with that reality. I acknowledged that the prospect was bad, but in my heart I held onto the hope that something would turn things around. Late in the summer, the oncologist told me, “It is only a matter of time.” Norma was accumulating fluid around her lungs and it was drained again and again, only to return more rapidly than the last time.
Cancer is a terrible, terrible evil. Too many of my readers know this from personal experience. Ovarian cancer is a particular evil because so little is known about what causes it. There are no reliable screening or prevention protocols, unlike some cancers. Norma and our family doctor thought that she had some kind of persistent bloating and indigestion when our younger daughter took her to the emergency room one day because she was in such pain. I got there as quickly as I could and I can still see the shock on her face when the ER doctor told her the diagnosis.
If you are ever tempted to think that there is no evil in the world, or that it is not personal, please hear and remember my testimony. I have seen evil in the face. Cancer is pure evil. Whatever your take on anthropomorphizing evil or not, I can tell you evil is personal! Cancer is terribly personal and intimate.
What makes it more evil is that we have not done more to overcome this evil. There are cancers that have been significantly reduced because of what has been learned about prevention, screening and treatment. Why are a number of women's cancers left behind in the science efforts? Despite the stellar competence and compassion of Dr. Thomas Reid and his team at the Women's Cancer Center at Kettering Medical Center, they simply didn't have enough information to save Norma's life. Let me challenge you, if you have any moral compass at all, to give more to cancer research and to vote against any politician who has voted to cut funding for cancer research.
I had promised myself that I would write this piece before the end of year, and I have spent hours at the keyboard attempting to do that. I simply could not grind this out any sooner. It is the most difficult thing I have ever written.
I still wake up in the night hearing Norma’s voice trying to wake me, as she often did the last several weeks when she needed help. Don’t read this like all those old stories about saints tricked into believing the ghosts of their loved ones talk to them. In an instant, I know the reality. Yet, often I cannot go back to sleep no matter that it is the middle of the night and I am exhausted.
I have been an Adventist minister for 44 years. I don’t know how many times I have been to the hospital to pray with people, often dying people, and their families. I have lost count of the number of funerals that I’ve conducted. Nothing from all of that prepared me completely for the deep sense of loss, the overwhelming emptiness.
Please don’t get me wrong! My hope in the promise of Christ’s coming New Earth, the resurrection and victory over the grave is stronger than ever. Perhaps I need it more than ever. Perhaps I’ve paid a higher price for hope than I ever did in the past. I don’t know and I don’t care to analyze it. My hope is in Jesus, our Lord and Savior, the one and only center of our faith. The rest of it—the institutional issues, the internal politics, the bickering among various sectarian factions, even the debates of scholars—do not mean as much to me any more.
I am very proud of my two daughters. They take very good care of me. They are both accomplished professionals and good moms and wives. I am proud of their husbands and especially my soon-to-be-four grandchildren. I want to pass on to them the love and hope that I shared with their “Nana.” They will be sixth generation Adventists, no matter what they choose to do as adults with that heritage.
The paperwork for my retirement is being processed. I have a couple of months to help a new president get started in the Ohio Conference—the 10th that I have helped staff. Then, I expect to catch my breath a bit and I have a long list of things I want to write, including some books as well as pieces that will appear here.
I cannot close without expressing my appreciation to so many of my readers that have taken the time to write me a note (by email or paper, some with a beautiful card, a few with flowers or fruit) and even more who have prayed for Norma and myself over the past 18 months. Your support means more to me than I can ever say. I apologize that I have heard from so many that my ability to respond personally to each one has simply broken down. I feel the support of people who have been friends and colleagues for years, including some I have not talked to in decades. I love you all!
Monte,
Thank you for sharing with us the incredible depths of your pain and the strength of your hope in Jesus. Your words are such a powerful reminder of the price of sin and the pain it brings. My heart goes out to you. I am thankful you have loving children to lean on for strength in this time.
After my father's death nine years ago I begain discovering the ways such a trauma disrupts our lives. I remember sharing with a brother that I'd found I could "go from cheerful to tearful faster than you could go from zero to 60." He laughed and said he was having the same experience. I also began having difficulty sleeping. One of those brothers, a physician, suggested that I take Melatonin before bedtime to help me sleep. It worked for me. Maybe it will for you. You can buy it over-the-counter at any drug store.
Monte S. Bless you brother, for sharing with us how deep the loss of your life companion is, as you cope with refreshing your spirit. We all know we will die, yetthe distress of having a love one (anyone) suffer the reality of terminal disease is a agony hard to endure. Some years back, we witnessed the decline of my mother, over 18 months, to Alheimers, something which frightened her as a teenager, she lived over and over, a terrible fear, which she couldn't escape from. And currently a son in law is in his 2nd year of Alheimers at the age of 65. A good friend, a lifelong SDA servant, serving the church in the printing dept. in serveral world locations, recently died after 2 years of agonizing mental and physical distress of Lou Gehrig's disease. The evil diseases, uncurable, sucks the vitality of those who have them, and to those caretakers, life partners, who must cope with their loss.
Brother Sahlin, the Lord Jesus knows our agony, and will continue to give you strength as you face the future, with His promises to your wife, to restore her soul on that great day adawning with His calling, "Norma, come forth", and she will, with a glorious body that will never taste pain, suffering, or death. Praise God.
Monte,
Accept my deepest sympathy over the loss of you life's companion. Many of us here have lost close relatives, but we accept that we will bury our parents and older relatives but the worst is the loss of one's spouse, or a child. Having worked with cancer charts (tumor registrar) in a large hospital for ten years, there has really nothing really new in the ability to diagnose ovarian cancer, and pancreas and because it is usually too late when discovered it comes as much more of a shock. We who have lost spouses at a later age, and often with chronic diseases, have had time to face the inevitable death, but this, and sudden accidents are much more shocking to the system.
The helpless feeling: not being able to help the one you most want to be able to offer something is additionally traumatic. This cancer can make us as females hypochrondiacs if not careful because the constant bloating and indigestion, often (but not always) accompanied by pain is usually harmless. There needs to be much more public announcements to alert women of this insidious type of cancer.
You are blessed by your wonderful daughters and their families and with the arrival of new grandchildren there will still be joy, although mixed with sadness that they will never know their grandmother. They will need to hear stories of her to have your memories shared with them.
Life In the Shadows
Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us
that though we live in the shadow of death
the shades of mourning
and the specter of desolation
There is life when we
give birth to new ideas
when we plant hope with the expectation of spiritual rain
There is life when we
heal the wounds of misunderstanding and bitterness
when we build a fellowship of faith
when we encourage the old and inspire the young
There is life when we
Laugh out loud
when we proclaim You the Lord of the dancing, swirling universe
There is life when we
embrace new friends and old enemies
when we search for truth
There is life when we
keep praying, no matter what
when we give hope to the poor
There is life when we
speak out against cruelty and injustice
when we love
when we make peace.
Remind us often, Lord
You are the Lord of Life.
ah
1/22/14
This is beautiful, Andrew!
Amen! Wonderful!
A while back, Monte, I spent three years battling this dragon. Initially, the doctors gave me six months to "get my affairs in order," and I was assured that in the interim, my left leg would need to be amputated. Neither of those outcomes ultimately happened, but like you, I looked evil in the face – and yes, cancer IS pure evil. It is not just a metaphor for sin – it's one of the most cold and cruel direct manifestations of the devil's heartlessly brutal and perverted character. I don't do much hating in life, but I hate cancer with a white-hot passion. It takes and takes and takes till little or nothing is left.
Monte, my heart aches for what you continue to go through. The loss and pain and grief that overwhelms us, though, IS going to be forever gone soon enough. If there's anything as real as the devil and cancer, it's that Jesus lives and will – if we cry out to Him in our heartbreak – reach deep inside us to heal, to comfort, to infuse us with hope and a reason to go on when all we can feel is icy emptiness.
I'm committing to include you in my own daily prayers, my friend. You need courage, hope, and healing – and the good news is that all of that is freely available from the one great Source of it all.
Amen! Wonderful!
(Dumb computer! That comment was only supposed to go under Ken's, in response to Andy's lyrical offering.)
This one is for Monte, dear friend, brother in Christ, and support when I went through MY valley of despair over another "cold and cruel manifestation of the devil's heartlessly brutal and perverted character"–dementia, to which I lost my love over the course of perhaps a dozen years, which got worse and worse until the last few were almost pure hell. I say "almost" because the darkness never really overcomes the light, thank the good Lord!
Those of us who have experienced this sort of thing know how hard it was to write this personal testimony, and also how healing it is and will be to you to continue to share as you negotiate the valley of death. Jesus' arms are around you. I'm awfully glad you know that!
Monte, every word your struggled to write is true, and I thank you for them all. I don't know if a doctor should say anything at all at a time like this, so mostly I just want to put an arm about your shoulder, and I gladly taste through your wonderful article a few small drops of your unbearable pain and righteous anger.
For 40 years I've been professionally loosing battles with death. I've learned sadly that all my patient's eventually die, even those who once thanked me for "saving their lives". But as a brother in Christ I will share with you and your readers my terminal diagnosis on death and on love.
Death heals what cannot be cured. It was drastic, but Norma is now finally and forever cancer free. And you are Norma free and your children are Mother free, which is a terrible price to pay for Norma's cure. But perhaps you will be able to one day feel God's mercy and love in the first death even while hating the evil and pain that caused that terrible cure. I am not offering you a bromide, and it is no excuse for the guilt God has in not protecting His childen from the results of sin. Jesus deserved what he got on Calvary for permitting Cain the freedom to kill Able, for permitting 9/11 and Auswitz and Alzheimer's Dementia to happen to so many innocent people and for permitting Norma's (and my own dear Debbie Pipkins and cousin Evelyn Treftzs and the millions of other wonderful women) ovarian cancers.
In my opinion Jesus died terribly but justly because he was guilty of the crime of mercy on the wicked. He lets Cain live and Able die. But Jesus took it like a man and damned death and the devil and all his works with the only thing death can not cure–love. Cancer fails, rape fails, murder fails, abuse fails, exploitation fails. Love never fails. We suffer and fail and fall and don't know why, but love alone knows. Cancer can not stop you from loving Norma. Norma did not stop loving you. God loved her even as he let Satan apply the dreadful cure. (It is not good that man should live forever, is the one commandment of God that all obey and Satan is strangely his agent.) But love will have the last laugh. For sure. So says this doctor. With tears, but for sure.
Monte. We have a long history from when I introduced you to the search committee of the Worthington Ohio church to when we worked in the same building at the GC World Headquarters to our work together at Adventist Today. Death is an enemy that will one day be eliminated foever. You have written a most eloquent and heartfelt description of your loss. There is little to add to what other correspondents have written. The words of Jesus when comforting on the loss of her brother, Lazarus, are just as true today. "I am the resurrection and the life. He or she who believes in me will live, even though he or she died." John 11:25. Keep trusting in Jesus. God still has a great work for you to do. He knows your pain having the experience of losing His Son on the cross.
Monte, I am so very sorry for your loss. May God strengthen you with His grace and live.
Monte,
You shared news of Norma's cancer with us on the executive committee of AT soon after you received it. We recognized your need to step back from your vital role with AT, and you did to some degee but you told us you found your work somewhat of a necessary diversion. I have personally urged you to allow yourself to grieve and accept your natural, human emotions–not stuff them, deny them or rationalize them, as we believers are wont to do. And I still hope that you allow yourself this indulgence. That said, I think it courageous to name those deep feelings and thoughts in your compelling essay of loss, and this itself is one more step in healing along our jagged, mortal life of service. The Hope of our faith provides a larger context of meaning, but it does not remove the sting of the huge loss you have suffered. May your family, colleagues, and host of freinds be God's hands to appropriately uphold you as you journey on.
Thanks for being brave and sharing this with us. I've not lost a spouse, but I've had so much cancer in my family: lost my parents in their mid-50's, both from cancer, and a sister-in-law last year.
You are a particularly precious person to me: have been there at several of my life turning points. Thanks for your friendship. Hope I can do for you as much as you have for me.
Loren
Monte,
Please accept my sincere condolences brother. This seems to be a period in which God is doing something similar to what basketball coaches often do when the outcome of the game is effectively decided. He appears to be pulling his star players off the court one by one.
Coaches don’t want to have their stars injured after they have done their job. The classiest of winning coaches also want to allow the spectators an opportunity to express appreciation for a job well done.
Judging by how precious she appears to have been to so many very many, your wife was one of His stars.
My Dad, another one of His stars, expired exactly three weeks after your wife. We’ll soon celebrate in the clubhouse. “What a day of rejoicing that will be!” Until then may God comfort you and your family with the knowledge of victory!
Monte–In relating your profoundly painful experience, you have modeled for the rest of us the kind of fortitude that we can at least aspire to when we are ultimately challenged by those experiences which are beyond all explanation and understanding. You exemplify the spirit presented in Andy’s “Life in the Shadows” when confronted with the kind of circumstances and stark realities of natural evil. Your strong and steady affirmation of your faith commitment in the face of that evil will be highly esteemed and long remembered by all of your friends and colleagues.
So sorry Monte, I wish I could say something for your pain but have no words.
I took note of what you said:
What makes it more evil is that we have not done more to overcome this evil. There are cancers that have been significantly reduced because of what has been learned about prevention
I think sometimes we flout with the things we already know and never seem to learn unless tragedy strikes.
Look forward to more of your material.
my wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little she could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but my brother in law came to our rescue by ordering this hemp oil from rick Simpson foundation which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good hemp oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. if you happen to be in need of this hemp oil you can contact the foundation who supplied my brother in law with this email: ricksimpsonhempfoundation@gmail.com
my wife has been suffering from thyroid cancer which was confirmed to be stage four, the doctor told me there was little she could do since she wasn’t responding to treatment but my brother in law came to our rescue by ordering this hemp oil from rick Simpson foundation which he said has been helping some patient fight against cancer of various types so we decided to give it a chance, so far my wife is improving perfectly very well and presently she can walk around the house all by herself. I felt its necessary i let others who are suffering from this acute disease that once you have a good hemp oil it can really give one a sound second chance of living. if you happen to be in need of this hemp oil you can contact the foundation who supplied my brother in law with this email: ricksimpsonhempfoundation@gmail.com
Thankfulness to God, for the love and joy we receive from our spouses, for a season. All of us die, some in their youth, some at every stage of life. My wife of sixty five years, has been a physically active person forever, we ran,alone, and together, for over 45 years, but it took its toll on her with both knees and hips replaced. She also has a serious pulmonary problem, she walks a few steps and starts puffing, insuficient air utilized by her lungs, and she never smoked. i am generally in good health, structurally,but suffer from extreme tiredness and lack of stamina each morning on awakening. Only after 3 or four hours do i feel human, for the next 12 hours. In our eighties, we have had a good life, raising 3 daughters, the youngest two attending kindergarten through university in SDA schooling. One a student missionary for two assignments. They are a loving blessing to us, and aware of our needs. One still SDA. MY wife and i know our time is short on Earth. We are prepared for death at any hour. It holds no fears for us. My wife hopes she will go first, and i agree as she says she would be totally lost without me. Suggest that couples plan on their demise even while young. Discuss it so both forsee the reality of its fact, and are not surprised when it happens. Yes, the precious intimacy of spouses, can be a shocking experience when their beloved passes on to glory, but we know this is not the end for our togetherness, as there will be a great getting up in the morning, sometime in the future, when our Saviour returns, with a shout, AWAKE, AWAKE, my children, and we will arise with our new spiritual bodies like unto His GLORIOUS BODY, to live forever in heavenly places, known as we know, never again to taste fear, pain, heartaches, stress, sickness, suffering, sadness, death. HALLELUJAH.