WESTLAKE VILLAGE, California — In a groundbreaking statement this morning, Pacific Union Conference leaders announced a decision to commence ordination of female worship band drummers in the region. The new designation is said to be 100% compliant with General Conference working policy, which does not permit or forbid the ordination of drummers, regardless of their gender. Pacific Union leaders are offering qualifying males the title of “commissioned drummer.” Although it is unclear what an ordained drummer can do that a commissioned one can’t, ordained drummers will be paid 20% more and will be featured in the Adventist Yearbook.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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