My mother-in-law criticizes me—and my husband won’t stand up to her! What can I do, Aunty?
20 May 2024 |
Hi, Aunt Sevvy,
I have been married for 25 years. When my children were young, my mother-in-law used to make remarks about how I didn’t bake pies or cakes. (My son once asked what a vegetable was in her garden; she replied that you wouldn’t know because your mother doesn’t cook.) She criticizes me because I grew up in a poor part of the city and didn’t have a lot of money. She criticizes my daughter, too.
My husband just says “I’m sure she doesn’t mean it” and stands up for her—but not for me. This causes arguments. Please help.
Signed, Henpecked by the old hen
Dear Henpecked,
This is a problem your husband should be handling. Start with a firm and frank conversation with your husband. He needs to understand and acknowledge that this is a real problem for you, and he needs to stand up for you. He should be setting limits on his mother, not saying that she doesn’t really mean it. Clearly, she does!
If he doesn’t support you, you’ll need to set some boundaries with your mother-in-law and your husband.
Boundaries are not about trying to control someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are about clearly outlining what you will do under certain conditions. In this case, let your husband and mother-in-law know that you are not okay with being criticized, and when she does, you will remove yourself from the situation.
Then do it! If you’re at her house and she criticizes any of you, leave. If she’s at your house, go into your room until she leaves. If she criticizes your children, or criticizes you to the children, don’t let the children be around her—take them to the park when she comes over.
This is not vindictive. It’s just being clear about the expectations for your relationship with her. You deserve to be around people who don’t criticize you or your family. If she refuses to respond properly, you shouldn’t have to be in her presence.
It sounds simple but of course it is more complicated than that. And it will take courage on your part. Wishing you strength as you tackle this difficult situation.
Aunt Sevvy
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You can write to Aunt Sevvy at DearAuntSevvy@gmail.com. Your real identity will never be revealed.
