Bjorn Karlman

About Bjorn Karlman

Posts by Bjorn Karlman:

20 June 2025

SATIRE: Local Adventist Church Baffled by Lack of Community Interest Despite “Obviously Superior Lifestyle”

AT Lite holier, set apart, superior lifestyle, Witness

Babylon, Maryland — Members of the Righteousness Heights Seventh-day Adventist Church expressed bewilderment this week after their latest evangelistic series, “Why Everyone Should Be Like Us,” failed to attract a single non-Adventist visitor. “I just don’t understand it,” said church elder Harold Sanctimonious, adjusting his perfectly pressed tie while standing in the church lobby adorned […]

16 June 2025

SATIRE: Nationalist SDA Upset Heaven Includes All Nations, Tribes, Tongues

AT Lite diversity, nationalist, supremacist

Tumbleweed, Maryland — Local Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) and self-proclaimed Christian nationalist Brad Whitman expressed deep disappointment this week after reading Revelation 7:9 during his morning devotions, discovering that Heaven will include “a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language.” “I thought the whole point of being God’s Remnant […]

13 June 2025

SATIRE: Michigan Conference Bans Sex on Sabbath, Says It’s Work

AT Lite ban, Happy Sabbath, sex, work

LANSING, Michigan — Never a conference to shy away from taking a hard line on controversial issues, the Michigan Conference has officially banned sex on Sabbath among its membership. “Not only is sex clearly doing your own pleasure but, quite frankly, it can be real work,” said conference spokesperson Frank Frigid. “That’s a double whammy […]

Yellow Illustration Bookstore Promotion Facebook Ad

13 June 2025

AT Book Recommendation: Loving You – I Went to Africa, by Deanne Hoehn with Jack Hoehn

AT Lite

Loving You—I Went to Africa by Deanne Hoehn (with Jack Hoehn) Published October 16, 2023 Does AFRICA do anything to your pulse? Do you think of safaris with giraffe, lion, zebra, elephants, and monkeys? Are you thinking of explorers in pith helmets? Are you thinking of gold, diamond, and copper mines? Would you […]

09 June 2025

SATIRE: Hot Adventist Excels at Missionary Dating

AT Lite flirt to convert, missionary dating, yoking

SPLASH, Florida — Unimpressed with the available singles at church, local Adventist Hannah has taken up missionary dating and suddenly every single unbeliever in town is eager to learn more about her faith. “Hannah invites someone to vespers, and next thing you know half the town is asking about the Sabbath,” said one church elder, […]

06 June 2025

Aunt Sevvy’s Candid Advice on Faith, Family, and Life, Now in a Book!

AT Lite advice, Aunt Sevvy Book, Buy, candid

Aunt Sevvy isn’t afraid to tackle tough questions with a dose of honesty and humor. Since joining Adventist Today in 2019, she’s become a trusted voice for many, offering insightful advice on everything from navigating family dynamics to finding your place in the church. Whether you agree with her or not, her candid approach is […]

30 May 2025

SATIRE: Marriage Ceremony Delayed—Bride’s Ex-Husband Still to Issue Official Adultery Notification

AT Lite adultery, divorce, remarriage, requirements, rethink

In a development that has left the entire church board on the edge of their folding chairs, the much-anticipated remarriage of Sister Abigail was postponed this Sabbath after her ex-husband, Brother Leonard, reported that he has yet to print off the official “Notification of Adultery” required by longstanding Adventist policy. Church policy insists that only […]

29 May 2025

SATIRE: Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee

AT Lite GC session, nominating committee, Ted retirement

SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference (GC) president Ted Wilson officially confirmed his retirement this week, vowing to “step back and let the Spirit lead” the upcoming GC Session’s nominating committee. “I will merely observe from a prayer tent outside the building,” Wilson assured delegates, “with no more than three burner phones, a modest supply […]

28 May 2025

SATIRE: Adventist’s Attempts at Seducing Wife with Song of Solomon End With Night on Couch

AT Lite couch, disaster, seduction, song of solomon

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan — An Adventist husband, who declined to be named, expressed disappointment that describing his wife’s teeth as “a flock of shorn sheep” and her breasts as “two baby deer,” while calling her endearing terms such as “my sister, my bride,” did not result in the action he was hoping for on a […]

27 May 2025

SATIRE: Security Experts Warn Adventists to Stop Using 1844 for Their PIN Numbers

AT Lite 1844, PIN, security

SECURITY UPDATE SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Security experts at Adventist Risk Management have warned Adventists using 1844 as their PIN number that they are exposing themselves to huge risks. “If you as an Adventist are using 1844 as your bank PIN number you are basically asking to be robbed,” said ARM security spokesperson Locken Kee. […]

26 May 2025

SATIRE: Wilson Blames Bankruptcy of Loma Linda Foods on The Shaking

AT Lite Atlantic Foods, Loma Linda foods, the shaking

In a statement released from his office surrounded by a curated selection of unopened Loma Linda Big Franks cans, General Conference (GC) president Ted Wilson addressed the recent bankruptcy of the parent company of iconic Adventist food brand Loma Linda Foods by attributing the closure to “the shaking.” Wilson explained, “As we approach the final […]

23 May 2025

SATIRE: Adventist Single Swears She’s “Totally Content” – Has Wedding Playlist Ready Just in Case

AT Lite content, gift of singleness, single, waiting

BINFIELD, United Kingdom – Local Adventist single Sarah M., 29, has once again assured her Sabbath School class that she is “totally content” with her single status—even as her Spotify “Wedding Bangers” playlist quietly grew by another 12 tracks this week. “I’m just focusing on my relationship with God right now,” Sarah told a well-meaning […]

Bjorn Karlman

About Bjorn Karlman

Posts by Bjorn Karlman:

Adventist Today privacy statement

Subscribe for free to the Adventist Today magazine.