Underworld sources have confirmed that the Devil himself is beaming with pride over his impressive church board attendance record. According to Lucifer’s spokesperson, Beelzebob, the Evil One has been diligently attending church board meetings for decades, all while maintaining his notorious reputation in the world of temptation and sin. “Satan has a perfect attendance record […]
COLLEGEDALE, Tennessee — In a first for Adventist educational institutions worldwide, Southern Adventist University’s Advancement Department has announced an end to all fundraising activities effective immediately. The decision was made possible by what Southern’s administration has described as a “torrent of revenue from student fines.” “Southern offers a generous menu of fineable offenses,” said Bubba […]
VATICAN CITY STATE — Vatican officials have confirmed that Adventist pastor and television personality Doug Batchelor was deported from Vatican City today. Batchelor was removed by Vatican security while he was filming a segment for his popular television show Amazing Facts. The Adventist pastor was quickly escorted out of Vatican City and dropped off at […]
“If your dream is to open a coffee shop, put it next to an Adventist college campus,” says the US-based Coffee Shop Owners Association (CSOA). In their quarterly best practice advisory, the association pointed to exploding revenues reported by coffee shops that are currently located within a five-mile radius of Adventist schools. “The vast majority […]
HOLLAND, Michigan — Adventist luxury home developer Chuck Todson of Todson Heavenly Homes has started selling down payments for seven-room mansions in what he is billing “the most exclusive subdivision in heaven.” Home plot down payments for the all-Adventist community are currently selling for the bargain price of $10,000 each, “well below your average American […]
Loma Linda, California – In a stunning display of faith and fiscal desperation, a local medical student at Loma Linda University, John Stethoscope, has been caught on camera fervently praying for the Second Coming of Christ before he has to face the ominous burden of repaying his hefty school loans. Sources report that John, sporting […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — A 12-month effort to overhaul Adventist Adam and Eve art begins this week due to what church leaders are calling “pervasive foliage insufficiency.” In addition to far stricter artistic guidance for future representations of pre-Fall Adam and Eve, all existing art that is displayed on Adventist screens, online or in printed […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — The Adventist Accrediting Association has decided to require minimum academic requirements of students applying to Adventist universities. The historic move is sure to strike fear into the hearts of academy students hoping to attend Adventist universities this fall. In a statement titled “We Are More than Glorified Academies,” US-based Adventist universities […]
A pair of parents who’ve been singing the “we can’t afford Adventist schooling” tune for years were observed cruising away from church last Saturday in a sleek, brand-new BMW, their new wheels glinting in the Sabbath sunlight. As they pulled away from the curb, the only thing louder than the purr of the engine was […]
COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — Southern Adventist University has declared a State of Emergency after what administration described as a “troubling drop in marriage rates among our students.” The school’s leadership claimed that the percentage of students getting married before, on or within a week of graduation day had “dropped precipitously by 0.7%” and that the university’s […]
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Waste management authorities in cities across the country have joined voices to formally implore the General Conference to stop mass distribution of free copies of the Adventist classic The Great Controversy. While acknowledging that the denomination’s intention has not been to litter, landfill administrators claim that the books have so indiscriminately […]
by AT Contributing Editor Stephen Chavez | We are not alone. That statement isn’t meant to reflect some universal or cosmological reality, it’s simply to say that we are not alone—we Adventists, I mean. For all our talk about the remnant, God’s true church, and the everlasting gospel, a quick look around reveals an undeniable […]
