Aunty, who should I tell about my cancer?
11 March 2o24 |
Dear Aunt Sevvy,
I’ve lived an Adventist lifestyle for all my 65 years—clean living, no drugs or alcohol, healthful diet, light but regular exercise, serving the Lord both inside and outside the church, and no risky behaviors. After childhood sexual assaults, I’ve been celibate. I live alone and my few relatives are a thousand miles away.
After months of testing, I learned I have uterine cancer that will require a total hysterectomy. I have to stay where I am for insurance to cover this surgery and any treatments that may be required afterward.
Two of my Adventist friends died of cancer last summer, and another is working on his bucket list. They were even more assiduous in their health practices than I’ve been. Yay, “health message.”
I’ve told a tiny group of women what my situation is, but can’t bring myself to talk to church people because it’s very intimate. I don’t want to be on a prayer chain or have meals delivered, and don’t want platitudes. I don’t want to talk to a male pastor and elders. I saw how my chronically ill mother was treated by church members, and I see how the vulnerable can be wounded with unsolicited advice. Should have been vegan instead of vegetarian? Should have married and had children because a uterus is a “use it or lose it” organ?
My Methodist friend asked why I can’t tell my church people so I can get someone to stay with me for a couple of nights when I come home from the hospital. I can’t tell her what I just told you because it makes well-meaning people look bad.
Who can I confide in? Thanks for your counsel.
Signed, Just Thinking About it Gives Me Cramps
Dear Just Thinking,
Your situation breaks Aunty’s heart. I too have seen how church people are treated when they have cancer or other serious illnesses. It is the dark side of the Adventist health message.
I can’t tell you who you can or can’t tell about your situation. This is your story, and you get to write it.
What I would do, though, is practice some clear, assertive responses for when you do get the inevitable well-intentioned health advice from your church folks. Something like, “Thank you for your suggestions but I am working very closely with my medical team to navigate the best course for my treatment.”
Finally: follow your heart. If you do not feel comfortable sharing your condition with someone, do not feel pressure to do so. Likewise, if you find someone who feels safe, share as much or as little as you like. Remind yourself that your condition is entirely about you. You do not owe anyone anything. You do not have to speak to the pastor or elders. You can decline prayer chain requests and meal offers. People might get their panties in a twist, but that’s not for you to worry about. You have enough on your plate without taking on their emotional responses.
Courage to you as you walk your path.
Aunt Sevvy
Aunt Sevvy has collected her answers into a book! You can get it from Amazon by clicking here.
You can write to Aunt Sevvy at DearAuntSevvy@gmail.com. Your real identity will never be revealed.
