SATIRE: 6 Foolproof Strategies to Avoid Being Voluntold for Nominating Committee
As Adventists, we all know the dread that comes with those fateful words: “The Nominating Committee will now begin its work.” If you’re tired of being voluntold to serve on yet another church committee, fear not! We’ve compiled a list of tried-and-true tactics to keep you off the Nominating Committee roster.
1. The Invisible Man Technique
Perfect your ability to blend into the potluck table. When you hear whispers of “Nominating Committee,” simply grab a plate of Special K Loaf and position yourself behind the largest plant in the fellowship hall. Remember, if they can’t see you, they can’t nominate you.
2. The Sabbath School Shuffle
Rotate between all possible Sabbath School classes each week. One week you’re with the seniors, the next with the youth, then the Spanish class (even if you don’t speak Spanish). This constant movement will make you impossible to pin down. Just don’t get too comfortable in one place, or you might find yourself teaching the lesson instead.
3. The Prophetic Excuse
Channel your inner Ellen White and claim you’ve had a vision – about how disastrous it would be if you were on the Nominating Committee. Bonus points if you can describe it in 19th-century English. “Verily, I say unto thee, great calamity shall befall the church should I be chosen for such a task.”
4. The Overcommitment Overload
Sign up for every other possible church duty. Be the greeter, pianist, AV technician, and potluck coordinator all at once. When approached for Nominating Committee, simply gesture wildly at your overflowing schedule and exclaim, “But who will play ‘Side by Side’ for the offering if I’m in meetings?”
5. The Strategic Sabbatical
Plan your annual “mission trip” to coincide perfectly with Nominating Committee season. Nothing says “unavailable” quite like being on another continent. Just make sure your Facebook doesn’t show you lounging on a beach instead.
6. The Datesetter
Develop a sudden, obsessive interest in setting the exact date for the Second Coming. Cover your Bible in colorful sticky notes, carry around a whiteboard filled with complex calculations, and corner anyone who’ll listen to explain your latest theory. When approached for Nominating Committee, exclaim, “How can we worry about church positions when Jesus is coming on [insert date]?” You will be avoided like the plague.
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility – and nothing says “power” quite like deciding who gets stuck teaching the Kindergarten Sabbath School class for the next two years. Use these strategies wisely, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
