SATIRE: Wilson Confirms Retirement, Promises Not to Manipulate GC Session Nominating Committee
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — General Conference (GC) president Ted Wilson officially confirmed his retirement this week, vowing to “step back and let the Spirit lead” the upcoming GC Session’s nominating committee. “I will merely observe from a prayer tent outside the building,” Wilson assured delegates, “with no more than three burner phones, a modest supply of vegan trail mix, and a stack of annotated Working Policies for devotional reading.”
Wilson, who has guided the church through multiple GC sessions, clarified that he would limit his involvement to “intercessory texting” and the occasional “providential suggestion” slipped under the tent flap. “I promise not to directly influence the committee’s decisions,” he said, “unless, of course, I receive very clear light—or a particularly urgent group text from my people.”
To further demonstrate his commitment to non-interference, Wilson has reportedly agreed to a GC Compliance Officer stationed outside his tent, tasked with monitoring all outgoing smoke signals, coded handshakes, and messenger pigeon activity. “We want to assure the world field that this process will be as transparent as a freshly polished baptismal tank,” said GC spokesperson Clarissa Decree.
Delegates expressed cautious optimism, noting that this marks a significant reduction in direct intervention compared to previous sessions, when Wilson was rumored to have installed a hotline to the Nominating Committee’s break room and distributed “Spirit of Prophecy” fortune cookies.
The prayer tent, already dubbed “The Most Holy Place” by session insiders, will be live-streamed for accountability, with viewers able to vote in real time on whether Wilson’s facial expressions constitute undue influence.
As the session approaches, Wilson reminded members to “pray for unity, transparency, and a strong Wi-Fi signal”—and to ignore any mysterious notes found tucked inside their hymnals.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
