SATIRE: VBS Concludes With Altar Call for Parents to Volunteer Next Year
BLUE RIDGE PINES, North Carolina — Capping off another high-energy Vacation Bible School (VBS), Blue Ridge Pines SDA (Seventh-day Adventist) Church broke with tradition by saving its most powerful altar call for parents alone.
While children were spirited away for allergy-safe popsicles, the sanctuary was overtaken by a moving instrumental rendition of “All to Jesus I Surrender,” played no less than five times as the freshly mic’d pastor—helpfully flanked by three clipboard-wielding VBS directors—invited parental commitment and “total surrender…to next year’s Craft Room Commandos.”
The screen behind pulsed: “Now Is the Acceptable Time to Volunteer for 2026,” followed by a subheading: “Or Face Prayerful Nominations to Kitchen Cleanup Duties.” For the hesitant, the appeals continued verse after verse, with ushers positioned by each exit holding glitter-splattered leader’s guides and next year’s snack sign-up sheets.
Eyewitnesses spotted several parents quietly phoning in fake dental emergencies, but all others left the altar with a lanyard and a vague sense their PTO (paid time off) had already been scheduled.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
