Cheapend, ENGLAND — In a stirring Sabbath morning appeal that left the congregation equal parts confused and alarmed, Pastor Cliff Remnant reminded his flock this past weekend that “God loves a cheerful giver—but we’ll settle for a terrified one.”

The statement was delivered during the offering call, just after the children’s story and right before the special music, when the congregation’s wallets are at their most vulnerable.

Quoting 2 Corinthians 9:7, Pastor Remnant smiled warmly at the congregation before adding, “Of course, if you can’t manage cheerful, I hear trembling and sweaty-palmed works just as well. After all, Ananias and Sapphira didn’t have the chance to practice their smiles.”

Church members report a sudden uptick in nervous laughter, with several reaching for their wallets with a sense of holy urgency. “I was planning to give a fiver,” said longtime member Edna Pewwarmer, “but after that reminder, I doubled it. You can’t be too careful.”

The church treasurer, who asked to remain anonymous, was seen discreetly fist-pumping in the back row. “We haven’t had this much excitement around the offering plate since we accidentally passed it twice during Communion,” he whispered.

Pastor Remnant later clarified that his comments were “mostly in jest,” but noted that “the Lord works in mysterious—and sometimes motivational—ways.”

In a follow-up email, the pastor encouraged members to give “as the Spirit moves you—whether that’s with joy, mild anxiety, or existential dread. The important thing is that the offering plate doesn’t go home empty.”