SATIRE: Next Pope to Be Chosen at GC Session
VATICAN CITY/ST. LOUIS — The General Conference (GC) has announced that the next pope will be elected at the upcoming GC Session in St. Louis this summer. Sources within the GC claim the move is only logical, given that GC presidents wield authority “basically identical” to that of the pope, what with the GC’s claim to being the highest moral authority on Earth.
“GC presidents and popes are cut from the same cloth,” said a GC spokesperson, adjusting their tie embroidered with the Three Angels logo. “Both have fancy titles, make big decisions, and get to wear nice suits—or robes, whatever. St. Louis is the perfect place to pick the next pope. We’ll have the vote right after the nominating committee finishes arguing over the vaccination report.”
The announcement has sparked confusion among Catholics, who were under the impression that the College of Cardinals was responsible for papal elections. “I don’t even know where St. Louis is,” muttered Cardinal Giuseppe Ravioli, clutching a half-eaten cannoli. “Is it near Rome?”
Critics have pointed out that the GC’s claim to supreme earthly authority might be news to, well, everyone else. “I’m pretty sure the Dalai Lama, the U.S. president, and my mom would like a word,” tweeted a user on X, whose post garnered 47 likes and a heated thread about the proper way to make veggie lasagna. Nevertheless, GC leadership remains undeterred, citing their ability to enforce vegetarianism at camp meetings as evidence of their unmatched global influence.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
