COLUMBIA, Maryland – In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered vaccination rates, the North American Division (NAD) of Seventh-day Adventists has unveiled the creation of the “PureBlood Union Conference,” a new administrative body dedicated exclusively to members who proudly reject vaccines in favor of “natural immunity and essential oils.” The announcement, made during a Zoom meeting interrupted by several participants coughing uncontrollably, is being hailed as a bold step to accommodate the church’s most vocal health reformers.

“We’ve heard the cries of our brothers and sisters who believe Big Pharma is the fourth beast of Daniel,” said NAD spokesperson J. Ezekiel Hawthorne, wiping hand sanitizer off his tie. “The PureBlood Union will provide a safe space for those who trust in kale smoothies and conspiracy podcasts over peer-reviewed science. It’s about unity in diversity—without the herd immunity.”

The PureBlood Union, headquartered in an off-grid cabin in rural Michigan, will oversee 47 churches, 12 homeschool co-ops, and a network of “vaccine-free potlucks” across North America. Its flagship institution, Berrien Springs’ new Liberty Health Institute, offers courses in “Advanced Tincture Theology” and “Eschatological Anti-Vax Apologetics,” taught by a rotating cast of YouTube naturopaths. The union’s official media arm, Unmasked Adventist Radio, has already begun broadcasting sermons on “The Mark of the Jab” to a growing audience of unvaccinated listeners.

Local conferences under the PureBlood Union include the Freedom Plains Conference, where members are required to sign a pledge rejecting “syringe sorcery,” and the Sovereign Citizen Synod, which doubles as a militia training camp. Pastors will be credentialed based on their ability to quote Ellen White’s lesser-known warnings about “unnatural remedies” while simultaneously debunking germ theory.

Reaction within the church has been mixed. “This is prophecy fulfilled!” declared Thaddeus Quill, a prominent voice in the new union, waving a bottle of colloidal silver. “The remnant will rise, unjabbed and unafraid, to face the Sunday law with robust immune systems!” Meanwhile, Adventist Health professionals were seen quietly updating their LinkedIn profiles, muttering about “evidence-based medicine.”

Critics argue the move undermines the church’s historic health message. “We’re supposed to be the people of Loma Linda, not the people of WebMD forums,” sighed Dr. Ellen Sanitizer, a public health expert at Andrews University. “Next, they’ll be replacing natural remedies with ‘Drink more bleach.’”

The General Conference, caught off guard, issued a statement reaffirming its pro-vaccine stance but noted that “the PureBlood Union’s tithe contributions are too significant to ignore.” Sources say the General Conference Executive Committee (GCEXCOM) is considering a special session to debate whether essential oils qualify as a fundamental belief.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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