SATIRE: Nationalist SDA Upset Heaven Includes All Nations, Tribes, Tongues
Tumbleweed, Maryland — Local Seventh-day Adventist (SDA) and self-proclaimed Christian nationalist Brad Whitman expressed deep disappointment this week after reading Revelation 7:9 during his morning devotions, discovering that Heaven will include “a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language.”
“I thought the whole point of being God’s Remnant Americans was that we’d get our own exclusive section,” said Whitman. “But apparently John saw people from every nation? That seems like poor planning on God’s part.
“I’ve been faithfully paying tithe, keeping the Sabbath, and complaining about the globalist agenda at each and every prayer meeting specifically to avoid having to spend eternity with people who don’t look like me,” Whitman complained. “Now you’re telling me that Koreans, Nigerians, and Mexicans will be there too? What’s next—are you going to tell me that some of the church pioneers weren’t even American?”
When reminded that Seventh-day Adventists operate in over 200 countries and that Ellen White received visions showing people from all backgrounds in the New Earth, Whitman suggested the General Conference might want to “reconsider some of those international divisions.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
