In a development that has left the entire church board on the edge of their folding chairs, the much-anticipated remarriage of Sister Abigail was postponed this Sabbath after her ex-husband, Brother Leonard, reported that he has yet to print off the official “Notification of Adultery” required by longstanding Adventist policy.

Church policy insists that only the “innocent party” in a divorce—defined as the one whose spouse has committed adultery—may remarry with ecclesiastical impunity. In the absence of “satisfactory evidence of the facts of the case,” local elders are authorized to launch a full-scale investigation, including but not limited to: phone records, WhatsApp transcripts, and the testimony of at least two unrelated witnesses.

Brother Leonard, who left the marriage for “irreconcilable differences and a desire to pursue a dream of competitive pickleball,” remains technically innocent by Adventist standards. This leaves Sister Abigail in a canonical holding pattern, her wedding dress gathering dust while the church awaits the notarized confession or a third-party affidavit confirming an act of “fornication.”

The officiating pastor, citing the need for “moral clarity,” has assured the congregation that the ceremony will proceed “just as soon as the paperwork is in order, or the ex-husband finds someone willing to help out for the cause.” In the meantime, the church board has formed a subcommittee to standardize the Adultery Notification Form, with a proposed addendum for cases involving competitive sports.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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