SATIRE: Local Adventist Church Baffled by Lack of Community Interest Despite “Obviously Superior Lifestyle”
Babylon, Maryland — Members of the Righteousness Heights Seventh-day Adventist Church expressed bewilderment this week after their latest evangelistic series, “Why Everyone Should Be Like Us,” failed to attract a single non-Adventist visitor.
“I just don’t understand it,” said church elder Harold Sanctimonious, adjusting his perfectly pressed tie while standing in the church lobby adorned with signs reading “Meat Is Murder” and “Sunday Worshippers Need Prayer.” “We’ve made it abundantly clear that we have the truth, eat the right foods, worship on the correct day, and live obviously superior lives. Why wouldn’t people be lining up to join us?”
The congregation spent three months preparing for the series, which featured presentations with titles such as “How We’re Different (Better) Than Other Churches,” “Tofu: God’s Perfect Protein,” and “Why Your Pastor Is Probably Wrong About Everything.”
Church member Prudence Holier-Than-Thou noted their confusion while organizing the church’s “Blessed Life Tips” pamphlets, which include helpful suggestions such as “Replace All Spices With Prayer” and “Seven Ways to Judge Your Neighbors’ Sabbath Observance.”
“We even put up a banner that said ‘The Only True Church Within 50 Miles,’” she explained. “I thought that would really draw people in. We also made sure to park our newest cars closest to the street so visitors could see how blessed we are.”
“We had everything planned,” Pastor McPreachy sighed. “Sister Sanctimonious even prepared her famous lecture on ‘Appropriate Sabbath Footwear’ for the new members. We can’t figure out what went wrong.”
When asked if they had considered their approach might be off-putting, church board member Pharisee Pleasant looked genuinely confused. “Off-putting? We invited them to become part of God’s remnant people. What could be more appealing than that? We even offered to throw away their jewelry for them free of charge.”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
