SATIRE: GC Warns First American Pope to Move Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday so Adventists Can’t Watch
The General Conference (GC) has warned that Pope Leo XIV, the first American pope, is allegedly plotting to shift Super Bowl Sunday to Saturday as a direct attack on Sabbath-keeping Adventists. The GC claims the Chicago-born pontiff, formerly Cardinal Robert Prevost, intends to move the iconic American event to the seventh day to spite members who are culturally and spiritually barred from watching competitive sports on TV during Sabbath hours.
“We’ve long feared papal schemes in end-time prophecies, and now it’s hitting close to home!” exclaimed a GC spokesperson. “Moving the Super Bowl to Saturday isn’t about logistics—it’s a malicious attempt to taunt us during our sacred time, knowing full well we can’t tune in! This American pope is playing a dangerous game with our faith!”
The GC points to Pope Leo XIV’s deep ties to American culture, including debates over his sports fandom as a Chicago native, with conflicting reports on whether he supports the Cubs or White Sox. “He’s from Chicago, a city obsessed with sports! He understands the Super Bowl’s pull on millions,” argued a GC official. “Shifting it to Saturday is a calculated move to dangle temptation right when we’re honoring the Sabbath. It’s spiritual sabotage!”
Adventist leaders fear that a Saturday Super Bowl would create unbearable tension for members, particularly younger ones, who already navigate strict Sabbath boundaries. “Our youth struggle enough with worldly distractions,” lamented an elder. “Imagine the Super Bowl airing during Sabbath School. It’s a direct assault on our commitment!” Online forums are buzzing with paranoia, with some tying this alleged plot to broader prophetic narratives of papal interference in religious liberty.
While the Vatican has issued no statement on Super Bowl scheduling, and the National Football League (NFL) remains committed to its Sunday tradition, the GC stands by its warning. “This is just the beginning,” their statement declared. “First, it’s the Super Bowl on Saturday to mock us. Next, it’s every major game during Sabbath to test our resolve. We must remain vigilant against this papal provocation!”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
