SATIRE: GC Announces Portuguese as Official Language of Heaven, Effective Immediately
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — In a development that has left translators scrambling and English Sabbath School teachers nervously clutching their lesson quarterlies, the General Conference (GC) announced today that Portuguese will now be recognized as the official language of heaven.
The announcement came just hours after the election of Erton Köhler, the first Brazilian to serve as GC president. A special session of the Unity and Mission Committee, convened in record time, voted 90.15% in favor of the measure—matching Köhler’s own landslide margin.
“After prayerful consideration and a thorough review of the South American Division’s book distribution statistics, the evidence was overwhelming,” a GC spokesperson declared. “Heaven will operate in Portuguese for the foreseeable eternity. All other languages will be considered blessed dialects, but not suitable for official use in the New Jerusalem.”
Effective immediately, all GC communications, hymnals, and potluck sign-up sheets will be issued exclusively in Portuguese. The Biblical Research Institute has been tasked with retroactively inserting Portuguese footnotes into the Spirit of Prophecy, while the Communication Department is rolling out a “Gift of Tongues” crash course for administrators struggling with pronunciation.
Delegates from the North American Division expressed mild concern. “We’re just grateful it wasn’t Greek,” said one, “or worse, committee-speak.”
Meanwhile, the South American Division’s IT team has promised a beta version of the “Heavenly Translator” app by next quarter, featuring instant Ellen White quote conversion and a built-in pronunciation guide for “Maranata.”
GC officials clarified that this policy will remain in effect “until further light,” or until the next president is elected from a different continent.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
