SATIRE: By 2040, 98% of Adventists Projected to Be Kindly Grandmas Inquiring About Your Relationship Status
SILVER SPRING, Maryland — New projections from the Adventist Statistics, Trends & Reports (ASTR) department suggest a demographic tipping point: if trends persist, every Adventist congregation will soon consist almost entirely of sweet-tempered grandmothers determined to ask single members if they’ve “found a nice Adventist to marry yet.”
Analysts tracking falling baptism rates and brisk sales of large-print hymnals say this emerging majority is poised to rewrite church culture. “Under our scenario, single Adventists may soon be outnumbered four-to-one by grandmas intent on marital progress reports,” stated the lead ASTR statistician. “We’ve received reports of members entering the foyer only to reverse course, just to avoid the gauntlet of relationship inquiries.”
Efforts to stem the tide—ranging from attempted imports of single men from the mission field to emergency seminars on “respectful silence”—have amounted to little, insiders confess. “We’re not suggesting this is a pastoral care crisis,” an exhausted conference VP clarified, “but we do recommend investing in new exit routes for unattached attendees.”
The ASTR report concludes with a warning: by 2040, the only safe zone for unmarried Adventists may be volunteering for the deacon team—if only for the disguises and opportunities to hide in the storage room until the coast is clear.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
