SATIRE: Adventist Single Swears She’s “Totally Content” – Has Wedding Playlist Ready Just in Case
BINFIELD, United Kingdom – Local Adventist single Sarah M., 29, has once again assured her Sabbath School class that she is “totally content” with her single status—even as her Spotify “Wedding Bangers” playlist quietly grew by another 12 tracks this week.
“I’m just focusing on my relationship with God right now,” Sarah told a well-meaning aunty after potluck, discreetly silencing her phone as “Canon in D” started playing from her Bluetooth speaker. “Singleness is a gift!”
Eyewitnesses report that Sarah is the picture of Adventist contentment: she leads out in Sabbath School, volunteers for every Pathfinder campout, and can recite at least five Ellen White quotes about waiting on the Lord. But friends say her wedding Pinterest board is more organized than the church’s quarterly calendar.
“She says she’s not even thinking about marriage,” whispered close friend Rebekah, “but she’s already picked the processional, recessional, and the ‘just in case we get a flash mob’ song. She even has backup hymns for the ceremony.”
Sources confirm Sarah’s playlist is a careful blend of Chris Tomlin, Lauren Daigle, and a suspiciously high number of Michael Bublé love songs. “You never know when you’ll need a good first veggie dance track,” Sarah explained. “As every good Adventist knows, preparation is key!”
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
