With egg prices soaring, Adventist nutritionists across the denomination are basking in a glow of self-righteousness brighter than a Loma Linda sunrise. These plant-based pioneers are dusting off their “Meatless Monday” playbooks and delivering a resounding “We told you so” to anyone still clinging to their omelet dreams.

“Eggs are a luxury now? Shocking,” deadpanned Dr. Fern Sprigley, a nutritionist at Southern Adventist University, as she stirred a vat of cashew cheese with a smug flourish. “Meanwhile, I’ve got a pantry full of beans and a conscience full of peace. The egg crisis isn’t a problem—it’s a wake-up call. Ditch the hen house and join us in the garden, folks.”

The egg shortage, blamed on everything from pesky chickens to corporate price-gouging, has turned breakfast into a budget-breaking ordeal for most Americans. But for vegan Adventists, it’s just another feather in the cap of their tofu-loving legacy. Nutritionists are seizing the moment, flooding church newsletters with recipes for eggless quiches and hosting smug symposiums like “Cracked Eggs, Unbroken Faith: The Vegan Advantage.”

“We’ve been prepping for this since the 1800s,” said Pastor-turned-soy-evangelist Cliff Lentil, waving a forkful of tofu scramble. “Ellen White didn’t need a crystal ball to see that animal products would one day betray you. Now the world’s scrambling—pun intended—and we’re just over here sipping our oat milk, unfazed.”

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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