In a statement released from his office surrounded by a curated selection of unopened Loma Linda Big Franks cans, General Conference (GC) president Ted Wilson addressed the recent bankruptcy of the parent company of iconic Adventist food brand Loma Linda Foods by attributing the closure to “the shaking.”

Wilson explained, “As we approach the final events, it is only natural that the true remnant will be tested—not only in doctrine, but in their willingness to endure without canned vegetarian hot dogs.” He further warned that the loss of Loma Linda’s legendary meat substitutes is a “sign of the times,” urging members to “cling to your church manuals and, where possible, to any remaining cases of Tuno in your basements.”

While industry analysts cited market pressures and the collapse of a major acquisition deal as possible reasons for the bankruptcy, Wilson remained firm: “Let this be a lesson to those who have placed their faith in earthly soy products rather than heavenly manna. The shaking is real, and it begins in the vegetarian aisle.”

As Adventists across North America scramble to secure the last cans of Big Franks, the GC has announced a special Sabbath of Remembrance, inviting members to share testimonies of the good old days before we started thinking about how processed and sodium-packed our favorite veggie meats really were.

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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