Jeff Larson has revealed that his disdain for “cheap grace” extends far beyond its superficial ease. According to sources close to the piously particular parishioner, Larson isn’t particularly fond of “actual grace” either.

“Cheap grace is a slippery slope to moral anarchy,” Larson declared in an impromptu sermon at last week’s vegetarian potluck. “But let’s not get carried away with this ‘actual grace’ business. If grace starts getting too real, next thing you know, people will be feeling forgiven and getting all loose with their good deeds!”

Fellow churchgoers report that Larson’s been known to scrutinize the baptismal pool for evidence of excessive dunking and has repeatedly lobbied to replace the communion grape juice with vinegar to “weed out the weak.”

“I just think we need to be cautious,” Larson explained while meticulously polishing his Ten Commandments plaque. “Grace is fine in theory, but we shouldn’t let it get in the way of good old-fashioned judgment and a healthy fear of eternal damnation.”

Pastor Smith, who has been leading a series on grace and forgiveness, expressed concern over Larson’s views. “We preach a balanced gospel here,” he said, subtly adjusting his “The Sabbath: God’s Gift of Rest” tie. “Jeff’s stance is certainly unique. We want to ensure that everyone feels the warmth of God’s love—not just the chill of divine scrutiny.”

Larson remains undeterred. “I’m just looking out for the integrity of our faith,” he said, handing out flyers for his upcoming seminar, “Grace: Proceed with Caution.” “After all, if we start giving out grace willy-nilly, where does it end? Next thing you know, people might actually believe they are saved. It’s a slippery slope.”

This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.

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