SATIRE: 9 Signs We Are Experiencing The Shaking
Adventist conspiracy theorists are on high alert, scanning the horizon for signs of “The Shaking”—that end-time sifting where the true remnant will rise and the unfaithful will fall. But in 2025, they’re seeing omens in the most unexpected places, and it’s not just the Sunday law they’re worried about. Here are nine things they swear are harbingers of this sifting, straight from the church pews to the darkest corners of their group chats:
1. Church Projectors Displaying a Drum Set
When the sanctuary screen flashes a worship band with anything perkier than a piano, it’s not just contemporary worship—it’s Satan’s rhythm section ushering in the great apostasy. Shaking level: Ellen White rolling in her grave.
2. Potlucks Overrun with Vegan Hipster Food
Quinoa bowls and kombucha at fellowship lunch? That’s not a dietary trend—it’s a liberal plot to weaken the remnant with plant-based sorcery. Extra Shaking points if someone brings oat milk.
3. Women Speaking Up in Sabbath School
A woman sharing insights during the lesson study isn’t just participation—it’s a feminist uprising designed to fracture the church’s foundation. Conspiracy theorists are already drafting warnings about “Jezebel spirits.”
4. The General Conference Website’s Trendy Redesign
A sleek new General Conference site with sans-serif fonts or a pastel palette? It’s not a glow-up—it’s a coded message of worldly compromise, softening the church for the end times. Shaking meter: Dial-up modem weeping.
5. Pastors Preaching About Climate Change
A sermon on caring for the earth? That’s not creation stewardship—it’s a globalist scheme tying Adventism to the pope’s Sunday law agenda. They’re already googling “Laudato Si’ conspiracy.”
6. Teens Rocking Jeans in the Sanctuary
Denim on Sabbath isn’t just lax dress code—it’s a deliberate rejection of holiness, paving the way for the church to crumble. Shaking score: Great Controversy, page 608 vibes.
7. Offering Plates with QR Codes
Digital tithe collection isn’t convenience—it’s a trial run for the cashless society and the mark of the beast. Conspiracy theorists are hoarding coins and muttering about “Babylon’s banking system.”
8. Hymnals Ditching “Onward, Christian Soldiers”
If the new songbook skips a battle-ready hymn for something “inclusive,” it’s not an update—it’s a satanic edit to neuter the remnant’s fighting spirit. Petitions for a reprint are circulating on X.
9. Clapping After Special Music
A few claps for the choir’s “Lift Up the Trumpet”? That’s not gratitude—it’s charismatic chaos creeping in, softening the church for the final deception. Shaking level: Time to flee to the mountains.
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.
