SATIRE: Pew-fection: The Holy Grail of Sabbath Seating
Attention, fellow Adventists! Are you tired of subpar seating ruining your Sabbath experience? Fear not! Our crack team of professional pew-sitters has compiled the ultimate guide to church seating strategy. Remember, your eternal salvation may not depend on where you sit, but your social standing certainly does!
Front Row Daredevils
For those who laugh in the face of impromptu prayer requests:
– Pro: First dibs on foot-washing partners
– Con: Constant risk of being used as a sermon illustration
Back Row Ninjas
Masters of the swift exit:
– Pro: Unrivaled potluck positioning
– Con: May be mistaken for the pastor’s wayward children
Middle Pew Mediocrity
For those who excel at being average:
– Pro: Perfect for playing “Human Hymnal Stand”
– Con: Stuck in offering plate purgatory
Aisle Seat Aristocrats
The chosen ones of easy escape:
– Pro: Prime real estate for Sabbath power naps
– Con: Constant elbow bumps from latecomers doing the “Adventist Shuffle”
Balcony Believers
For those who prefer to worship from the heavens:
– Pro: Closest to Heaven
– Con: May need oxygen masks for high-altitude sermons
Remember, true Adventists know that the real church happens in the parking lot after the service. Choose your pew wisely, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
This article originally appeared on BarelyAdventist, a humor and satire site for Adventists who believe in laughter.