Planning. . .
by Katelyn Pauls
August 14, 2012
Tonight I was lying in bed wide awake, thoughts running a million miles an hour through my head. I’ve found I’m kind of an obsessive planner. So tonight I was lying awake planning my life. Of course, nothing will be happening for at least a year, but like I said I’m obsessive, so I try to have a plan in place. I think I’m mainly worried about life slipping by me. I don’t want to be without a plan for so long that by the time I have it figured out my life is over. I’m worried about being stuck doing the same old thing, day in and day out, just because I can’t make a plan. I think that’s what frightens me more that almost anything on this earth is the endless monotony of my life as it sits, unplanned, right now. So here I am at midnight on a Monday (which I guess is now Tuesday…), planning my life.
However, it’s easier said than done. I have so many possibilities right now that I can’t even keep track of them all sometimes. It’s almost making me crazy! It’s not like I just have two or three choices. My life is a web of endless possibilities. From the specific options I know about to those possibilities that are just a click of the mouse away. But I’m worried I will never be satisfied anywhere. I felt like this at home and now I’m beginning to feel the same here. I thought it was the place and what I was doing, but now I’m not so sure. It can’t be the place. I moved halfway around the world to change that. Then I thought for sure that it was the job but again I’m doubting. I totally changed jobs also. In the states I was working in a nursing home as a CNA. Now I’m teaching people of all ages (3-30) how to speak English.
I’ve asked God many times what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to be. I thought that maybe He had this ideal place in mind with a perfect job, tailored to me, and I’d be happy forever. But I’m starting to think that’s not the case. I’m realizing that, like Paul, I need to learn to be content in all situations. I need to focus more on what God wants me to do. With that focus, I don’t think I’ll ever be bored or dissatisfied. That job alone will single-handedly give me more challenges than I ever dreamed of. I realize now that the problem is with me.
I’m not looking at this ministry right. That’s exactly what I should see, a ministry. Not a job. That’s what I’ve been thinking of it as the entire month that I’ve been here. It’s just another job. But it’s not. It’s a ministry. Sure, I’m not here specifically to teach these kids about God and the Bible. I’m not here to save them from an impoverished life or a deadly disease. I’m here to teach them English. And not even out of the goodness of my heart. They’re paying for it. And because they can afford it they will go on their vacations to the US to practice. These kids are hardly needy. Many of them are rich and spoiled. But God doesn’t see them any differently. Why should I?
Maybe I’m not putting 100% into this work here. There are many small ways that I could introduce them to God every day in their lessons. With the younger ones we pray every day before they go home. I don’t think it means anything to them but maybe one day it will. What can I do to make my time here more meaningful and useful? I don’t want to leave here thinking that I’ve just completed another job and wasted a year of my life. I want to leave knowing that there are children here who now know the name of Jesus, even if they don’t understand all the consequences of that yet.
So maybe I’m just a little unfocused. God, help me see the work you brought me here to do. Give me the courage to give it my all, knowing that I’ll never be dissatisfied when I’m working for You. Help me to look past the outside and look to the inside of my students. Father, many of them need you no matter how put together everything seems on the outside. Help me to see with Your eyes. Give me the peace to know that everything I do with and for You has meaning and is not a waste of my time, no matter how insignificant. God, help me bring a little of You into all of my classes.
Am I ready to change? See as God sees? Develop a new mindset? Set new goals? Challenge accepted!
While youth is often wasted on the young, wisdom is wasted on the old—we often become extremely capable in decision-making about the time all our major decisions (occupation, faith, lifelong friends, mate, number of children, where to live) are in the bag. As the brother of two younger sisters, it appeared to me that the girls went through a more intense period of youthful ambiguity than I did, or at least seemed to worry more than I did—and I attribute it somewhat to the fact that at least at that time, "good girls" had to more or less structure their lives around the opportune Godsend of the right husband at the right time—and God sometimes took His blessed time. My younger sister first purposely chose to become a student missionary at an Adventist girls' school in Kenya to help her dispel any doubt in her mind about her ability to both perform as, and enjoy, being a teaching professional. She returned from that experience fully persuaded that she could and would be a teacher, and was able to convey to her future husband (yes, he did materialize a bit later) exactly what she intended to do professionally.
I too participated in a quasi-student missionary experience in Costa Rica, at age 20. I had already settled on my vocation, but I did have questions about where I should focus in my search for a mate, including the decision of where to reside—North America, or in some Latin American location (I am multi-culturally bilingual). Should I marry a Latin American, non-US citizen? I was not opposed to the idea, and had dated several fine Latin American ladies by then , but wasn't exactly sure what I should do. During my months in Costa Rica, I concluded to my satisfaction that I should marry a woman who had lived most or all of her life in the United States and that we should rear the family in the US, but that perhaps after the family was grown, to consider overseas work in semi- or full retirement. I henceforth girded up my loins and persuaded a missionary's daughter to marry me—a young womanwho shared my basic ideas, could speak both English and Spanish, and concurred with my basic plan for life in the world of Adventism. The student missionary experience was decisive in helping me learn more about myself and the natural trajectory that my personality seemed to want to take.
The student missionary experience can teach you a great deal about yourself now, but even more it can help you narrow down the options about which you may still have serious questions. It can as readily tell you who you are as who you aren't, and has served many young Adventists admirably as a course-setter.
Something similar, but not of a religious expericnce, is the Peace Corps, or even the Mormon student missionary program (unfortunately, usually limited to men). Young people get to experience life different from their ordinary upbringing and develop maturity which enables them to make the important life decisions of vocation and marriage.
I have often thought that mandatory government service of some sort would be helpful, especially for young males who may waste the first few years of college, unprepared for a future profession (girls seem more mature and are able to choose a profession earlier). Then at the end of their service, they would have worked up credits for financial help to attend college or vocational school, preparing for their life's work. This would give more meaning to their lives than today with so many who drop out before high school with no marketable skills.
Katelyn,
Nice to read your blogs as you journey into the year.
For what it is worth, I thought I'd make comment on a few of your points. If anything is of use – take it. Whatever is not – toss it.
1. Plan your possibilities – but do today what brings you satisfaction as a person. Planning your possibilities in life will give you an over all direction and can shape the smaller choices you make today. However, it is really important not to live for the future. It is so human to look forward to a time, place, event, or situation where we will be "happy", or "satisfied" or have "made it". Others here are better qualified to vouch for this because of their seniority of summers spent, but my 50 summers have taught me that such a place never comes. It is now. Live the real you in this moment. Happiness is not a destination, but a choice.
2. What you are doing is a job ministering to the needs of others, and do not read "God" into the word ministering. Each person you interact with during your teaching day is human inside just like you. Seeking a future, satisfaction of personal desires, carrying out plans they have made. If you help them achieve those aims and goals – you have ministered to them. Full stop.
3. Focussing on what God wants you to do? If I can hijack your sentence with a delibarate twist:
Taking that view will single-handedly give you more frustration and wasted years than anything you ever dreamed of. Focus rather on what satisfies you deep inside. What gives you a sense of purpose? What makes you feel you have achieved something? What gets you excited? If any or all of the answers to those questions are things that do no harm to others, or perhaps even help them along their journey, and provide meaning, purpose, joy, satisfaction to you: That will be God's will.
4. Don't measure the value of your year spent by trying to discern whether some have leaned about Jesus. Measure the value of the year by: a. Have I become a better/wiser/more satisfied/more caring person? and b. Have I helped someone else become a better/wiser/more satisfied/more caring person? If you have achieved that – you will have taken a little of God into your classes, and you will have spent your time well!
Remember: Peace and happiness are a choice – not a destination – so take them with you today and you'll be sure to have them on your arrival.
And, trying to live life from "God's perspective" is to focus on the destination not the path at your feet. Live today as it matters to you and the road in the distance will become clear as you travel it!
If I could add one thing to Chris's post: God's will is far more often revealed in the day to day events of life than in any planning. It is far more important to be able to see and respond to God's will in the moment than to have some plan that we believe reflects God's will. No matter how well we plan, life tends to upset our plans. If we aren't willing to see God in that, we will be forever frustrated that our plan isn't working.
You represent a common condition with young people who so intent on making each decision the "right one." Not to be an analyst, but the temperament is a lot like the obsessive-compulsive personality; difficult to relax and enjoy life as it is; and believing that every decision will be decisive for all future life.
I've raised three children, the oldest is eligible for Social Security, the youngest is 54, and what you are experiencing is called "life." There are many twists and turns, most unexpected, that will be encountered along the way. One bit of advice: become prepared by gaining as much education as you can, specifically in an area with high demand. Most of those will be found in service industries, helping people such as health, teaching, which are the fastest growing. They will also be the most personally rewarding. By ensuring a steady income it will give you freedom from worry and allow more time to be involved in other areas where you are interested.
"Rome wasn't built in a day" but that still haunts those who are anxious to always make the right choices and fear making a wrong one. We only learn by our failures, not by our successes. Don't worry about making long distance plans, but first for the next day, then the next month, but most all, be adaptable and ready and prepared for what may come. Relax and enjoy life, you will never be this same age again.
Proverbs 3: 3-8 (easier said than done; but if done is all you need).